I felt so alone with this new situation. I felt like I was the only one on Earth that knew how this felt. For one reason, it is such a shame and secret for those who have had this in their past, to share. What's a person going to do walk around and publish it? NO! I didn't know anyone close to my age that this had happened to and anyone in the older generation seemed to not mention that this was in their lives. Denial, you just don't talk about the skeletons. Why hide it? Everyone in town will know it sooner or later and if you think you can act as if nobody knows, think again. Gossip is there, always has always will be. The one thing I have learned is this; You tell your closest friend. They need someone to talk to so they tell a close confidante. That person doesn't have the same loyalty to the first person so they go to the next person telling them with the tag "Don't tell or I'll get in trouble." Then that person calls everyone they know and shares it in the Grocery store, it just human nature. You will know it's all over town when you are standing in the check out line hearing the whispers and when you turn around the people behind you are looking at the magazines. Yes that happened to me. I was with my kids, I could tell too people where talking about me. I thought maybe it was my insecurity coming out. I heard one say to the other "Look that's her, she's the wife....whisper, whisper." I turned around to look and saw their faces. I thought "Yes, I have ears, ladies you are 3 feet away from me." If my kids weren't there I would have said something shocking to them but....well I'm more mature than that....(I should have stuck my tongue out at them!!!) Same thing goes with family members. They tell a close friend and then it goes and goes. I know it's not malicious with them it's just the nature of the Beast.
Back to the story: I needed direction, I was drifting in this bleak ocean. I so wished someone could have helped me through this initial moment. That is one of the reasons I am doing this. I hope that if someone else ever goes through this that they might some how find my story as a compass, pointing them in a way they can go. I had no idea what emotions I would be going through. I didn't know how high the anger would rage or how low my sorrow would get. I needed help. BOOKS! I became a book magnet. I didn't know where to start so I had Ben stop at Barns and Noble to see if they had any books on the subject of affairs. Kind of funny that he would become my personal shopper. He was so willing to keep me from running out on him he was willing to do anything. He brought home my life saver to help me stay a float in this ocean. The first book was titled "After the Affair. Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful." by Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D. with Michael Spring. I highly recommend this book.
Finally some answers and instruction. It walked me through each stage of an affair. Stage one: Reacting to the Affair: "Is what I'm Feeling Normal?" This was my starting point. I can not express to you how much this was my life line. It said so many things that I was feeling. Such as "I thought I meant something to you. Now I realize I'm disposable." Yes! Yes! That's how I feel. What am I to you? It went on to say "Your ability to see yourself clearly right now is likely to be at an all-time low." I was not seeing things for what they really were. It was like looking at myself with "coke bottle" glasses.
Just to give you another idea of what a person goes through, in this chapter the Author nailed it down as to what I was going through it says "It's likely at this moment that you're undergoing physiological changes in both your nervous system and your cognitive functioning. As adrenaline and other stress-related hormones pour into your sympathetic nervous system. you experience a heightened state of arousal. You're constantly on the lookout for signs that your partner is straying again. Chronically anxious and agitated, you take longer to fall asleep, awaken frequently during the night, and are more sensitive to noise. You become exhausted from sleeping too little and thinking entirely too much. Your mind is punctured by vivid and upsetting memories, sensations, images. When you are asleep, the quality of your dreaming becomes more violent and alarming. When you are awake, you find yourself suddenly lost or otherwise disoriented. " This was my state. I had horrible dreams. I dreamed of someone killing my children, car wrecks, being attacked. It was awful. I felt like I had the flu. My body would shake when I heard the details. Ben finally couldn't take seeing me hear it. I would ask him something I needed to know. He would start to tell me and I would shake and shake. He finally said "I can't tell you anymore, look at what it's doing to you." I told him "I'm fine, I can take it." I would try to stop from shaking. It felt like when you are freezing or after you have a baby and your body goes into shock. It's so hard to stop from shaking. Finally I told myself to just control it or he won't tell you what you need to hear. I held my body still. I listen to alarming details and then could take it no longer. I went into my dark living room and let my body go into it's state of shock and shaking. I was so amazed that I had no control. My legs shook so much they were bouncing up and down. My teeth rattled. I just needed to let go. I felt like a stretched out rubber band when I was done. Completely exhausted. I slept good that night.
The book goes on to say " You're withdrawing into isolation, driven by a sense of pride, a fear of ridicule, and a perverse sense of responsibility for protecting the very person who deceived you." This statement is so true. All of a sudden, the man I loved was a monster but I didn't want everyone to think that. He was just "my monster." I still loved him. It was so hard figuring the love/hate issue.
I felt suicidal. It was a fight for my life. I felt darkness creep into my mind. I wanted Ben to see what he pushed me too. I tried to jump out of the moving car. He grabbed my arm. I was out of my mind. I thought of ways I could just slip out of this life. I was in a very bad place. I then realized that the worsted thing I could do to my poor children was to destroy their lives. They are what kept me living. I went on to read "You feel a loss of a Sense of Purpose-Even the Will to Live: "Sometimes when I'm driving home at night I think it would be easier to swerve off the road and end this agony."
Yes, this was me! It helped me make sense of my emotions. It went on to say "Remember, though, that your depression is like a thick morning fog, obscuring your vision, and that having suicidal thoughts is different from acting on them. What you want to kill is not yourself but your pain!" This jumped out and hit me in the face. That was it! Boy did it nail it on the head. I loved my children with all my heart, I loved my mom and dad and siblings. I had so much at stake. I knew this was beyond me. I got myself into counseling ASAP! I was so relieved to hand it to someone else. I was put on anti-depressants. The Councilor told me that I was in deep depression, Ya think? I told him that all I wanted to do was sleep my life away. I told him I don't like to be awake. He showed me that there were 3 levels of depression. Slight depression where you feel sad, Middle where you just don't feel the same about the things that use to bring enjoyment and then where you just can't get out of bed. I was in between the last two. I still fight this. I could sleep the day away and sometimes I do. I do give into it often but he counseled me on not getting to far into it. He said that what I was going through was normal but he just wanted to make sure I didn't go into the part of depression to where I couldn't function. It was a fine line. I am a true believer in anti-depressions. I think a lot of people give them a bum wrap. People think you must be crazy or have a personality problem if you need them. Or you must be a misfit. I tell you what, they saved me!! I could function, I wasn't falling apart. It helped me still be a Mom to my kids.
All I wanted was my life back, I soon would relize this just wasn't to be. I was going to go through some more fire before I could start the healing process. So my story goes.....
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Friday, November 7, 2008
Pain was in the DETAILS!
The days after the initial shock of hearing My Husband was unfaithful, where a haze of confusion. I could not sort out this night mare.
I did get a hold of my wonderful and loving Bishop. We sat a time to meet that Evening at his office. The day was a dizzy mess and I couldn't wait until I could talk to someone sane. I did find my Mother and she was in total shock and disbelief. My Dad had found her and she came to my house directly. She had red eyes that were deeply filled with pain. She loved my Husband, Ben (NOT HIS REAL NAME) and felt hurt and saddened.
I went to the Bishop's office by myself. I waited in my car for what seemed like hours and it must have been 10 minutes. I thought to myself "This is not a problem I would have, this is always someone else you hear about!" It was now my problem, my new life. While I was waiting, someone else pulled up and then the Bishop right behind them. Of all people, My Relief Society President. I got out of my car and walk up to the door. The Bishop visited with her for just a minute then She turned to me and said "Meg, are you okay?" I could not say anything to her at that moment so I just said "Not really" She told me she would get in touch with me later. She did call me the next day. She said "I don't know anything that is going on, I just want you to know I am here for you and I will do whatever I can. Just listen, go for a walk or hear you cry. I'll be here." It was a great strength to know someone cared and having her at the Church house at the right time was another of Heavenly Fathers tender mercy's. She was there for me even after she was released and still is to this day!
I was finally able to sit across from my Bishop and tell him what pain I was under. He was so loving, tears filled his eyes. He was so stunned, you remember, he called Ben to be his Executive Secretary. He said "Meg, I prayed about calling him, I know it was the right feeling." He felt betrayed too. I said "Bishop, it was up to Ben to be truthful and maybe Heavenly Father gave him a choice to come forward and he didn't." Looking back, I think there were so many times he should have stepped back out of unworthiness, I know I would have, but when you are involved in such shame you try to keep appearances normal and good. A person is 2 different characters and that's what he was doing. He was playing the good Ben and the Bad Ben. He wanted to live in 2 different worlds. The Bishop said to me "Sister Glenn, I need to call the Stake President and tell him what is going on because he is a Melchizedek Priesthood holder. Do I have you permission?" My heart sank as I replied "Yes." That is how the road to excommunication began. It was now on a Stake level and no turning back. My Bishop finish talking to me and then gave me a blessing. He was such a strength in my darkest time. He walked me to the door and shook my hand. He told me how much my family meant to him. Our children where close to him, so he also felt like a loving Grandpa too. As I walked out, his sweet wife was sitting in a chair in the darkened lobby. She stood up to hug me, I fell into her arms. She was the hug that my Bishop couldn't give me. I had known her as a teenager, she was a good friend. She just held me and said "Oh honey, what can I do?" She told me how much she loved me and how important I was. She was so caring.
The excommunication process was rapid. We met with the Stake President the next night, a Tuesday. Ben had to confess what he had done still holding back details that weren't brought to light. He told just what he had too. I didn't know that at the time. He was in a complete tail spin. I can't even imagine what he was feeling. Probably, "OH CRAP! I'm busted and I'm not willing to sell my self out!" Lots of details would be coming out in the next few days, weeks, months and that's how long it took. The extent was enormous. That following Sunday we met with the High Counselors and Stake President. The Men were informed about a brethren that had committed Adultery and he had a wife and children. They didn't know who it was until we walked in the room. Yes, I accompanied him. Looking back, that was something that would help me heal. I needed to see this process, it was justice some what. I needed to see him held accountable for wronging me. The Council was filled with 12 men we both knew. We live in a small, close net community. I saw the sorrow in all of their faces as we entered the room. I know it was a shock to them too. We sat at the end of a long table. The table is set-up to where you can see each of the Brethren's faces. They were a long faced looking bunch, I tell you what! The Stake President started out with the facts he knew "Brother Glenn, is it true that you have had an extra marital affair?" Ben answered "Yes." President continues "Is it true that she now says she is pregnant?" Ben's answer, "Yes." You should have seen the Brethren's faces then, they had to lift their jaws off of the table. They all looked at me to see my reaction. I was still in shock so I'm sure my face was blank. The Stake President asked us to leave while they discuss their decision. We went to the lobby and waited. We were alone and the mood was very sad. I felt kind of vindicated though. I thought "Now a room full of Men knows what a jerk you have been to me and our family." I had so many emotions flying left and right. I also felt we knew what the answer would be and it didn't take long. We were asked to re-join them. The Stake President told him the decision would be excommunication. It was so cut and dry. He went on to tell him that he could no longer attended the Temple, he couldn't wear the Sacred Garment, he could attend Church but would no longer be a Member. He was not to take part in any way. He could not pay his tithing, he could not use or hold the Priesthood. That is when the tears started flowing from his eyes. He had been crying but not flowing until this moment. All his blessings where removed. It was a heart ache also for me. All my dreams of a Worthy Priesthood holder melted and dissolved with each word spoken. It was true sorrow. I cried with shaking shoulders. I was beyond consulting. The Stake President asked if he had anything to say. Ben got his composure and said "I'll be back, I want to be a member again someday and I will do all that I can to get there. I PROMISE." I feel that it was sincere and that Heavenly Father was going to help him with that promise, but it was going to take moving mountains to get there. The Stake President asked if I had anything I wanted to say. (I really can't remember what I said. I couldn't bear keeping a journal about this. My Sister asked me too but I felt like I could never relive the traumatic details, and here I sit typing them.) I know I said that I still loved him and that I was willing to help him, that I made a convent with him and my children to endure to the end and try to pull us back as an eternal family. It wasn't easy. It took a lot of fasting and prayer to feel this way. We stood up to leave and there wasn't a dry eye in the room. Each man reached out to shake our hands. Ben was given many hugs and words of love and encouragement.
The next Tuesday the door bell rang at our house. Ben answered it and it was a Counselor in the Stake Presidency. He asked if he could speak to him outside. He gave a letter with the Councils decision. It was final. He was no longer a Member of the LDS church. How sad that a person will give up the greatest blessings for worldly pleasures that are so fleeting. I just can't figure out why people don't take heed to the warning that our sins will be "Shouted from the roof tops" That is enough for me. I remember when I learned that in Seminary. I thought "Gosh, I hope I don't do anything that bad that people will hear it from the roof tops!"
It was such a sad time. Our little boy was turning 8 in a month and Ben had to tell him that he couldn't baptize him. That is when I think Ben saw the true sorrow. Our little boy was brave for a few minutes and then completely fell apart. He said "But Daddy, who's going to Baptize me?" Ben answered "Grandpa will do it." And our little boy cried "But Daddy, I wanted you to do it." His older Brother and Sister were crying too. It was one of the saddest moments in my life.
Now you ask, "How could this family possibly live through this?" The Holy Ghost, he was my constant companion!! It is truly one of the greatest gifts a person can receive. I had comfort beyond what I could comprehend. I would feel complete despair, I would pray and feel the sweet peace only Heaven could bring. No words could help from others, well maybe my Mom's but other than her I could only attain it through the Holy Ghost. One late night I was feeling like I was coming apart. I felt like I must have been the ugliest most unwanted person in the world. I just ran everything over and over in my mind. I was not being kind to myself. Well I had to stop and realize who was wanting me to feel this way. Satan knows our weaknesses and mine was self esteem. My nephew says that he is one of the biggest cowards, he doesn't get us when we are strong, he waits for a weak time and that's when he works on you. This was that time. I crawled out of my bed and dropped to my knees. I needed to hear I was good, loved and of value. It's one of the things an affair robs you of, personal value. I pleaded with Heavenly Father for help. I finished my pray and was still unable to resume sleep. I went into our living room and turned on the T.V. I was flipping through channels and thought maybe I could find peace from the BYU channel. A Sister was talking, at first I didn't listen fully then she started speaking as if just to me. She said that our Savior knows our heart ache and pain, that he loves us as individuals. That we are women of great worth. I cannot recall all that she said but I know how I felt. I felt like my Father in Heaven was telling me what he wanted me to hear, through another person. I felt the sweet warmth of Heavenly arms wrapped around my heart. I knew in that moment I was not alone, that I had the angels of Heaven with me. I knew that if I did all that I could, I would be taken care of and loved. It was the most amazing feelings. The speaker was Wendy L. Watson. I believe she is now married to Russell M. Nelson. I might be wrong... She spoke to my heart that dark night. It was one of the tenderest mercy's from my loving Heavenly Father. It helped sustain me.
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The Details....
(Warning...My ranting time!!) The details had to be sorted out. It was like a ball of yarn that suddenly was tangled and needed all the knots taken out. It was tight and hard. Ben would give a little here and there. I finally called the girl up. I had to know if what she was saying was true, that she was carrying Ben's child. She said that she miscarried, which I know was a lie. Remember, she worked at my Dr.'s office when I was pregnant with my last child. I knew the talk in the office. When she was married to her husband She was having fertility problems and couldn't get pregnant. I know it wasn't her husband because after she left he got another girl pregnant. (It sounds like a yucky soap opera. It felt like one too!) That's why I doubted her story all along. She was extremely heavy and could not conceive. Ben had not been intimate with her until after he had a vasectomy. On regular terms, yes someone could conceive but this would have not been one of those times. She was sticky sweet when I talked to her. I did not accuses or go after her in anyway. I needed to keep her thinking I was this wounded victim and I needed her friendship...P-L-EASEEEE She told me that if I needed anyone to talk to, she was there for me. Whatever you stupid girl. This girl had the guts to show up at our Church House to see Ben's wife. I remember walking out and seeing her sitting in our lobby. I thought she must have moved into our Ward because her husband had kicked her out. She was just there to check me out...sicko!! She was checking the competition out. Humm wonder what she thought. I was a slight 100 lbs. lighter...girl friend! I asked Ben what he thought when he saw her sitting there. He said he felt like all HELL was about to break lose. YOU GOT THAT RIGHT!!Enough of my ranting. I might have ruined the spirit but I had to share that detail. So the Story goes.......
I did get a hold of my wonderful and loving Bishop. We sat a time to meet that Evening at his office. The day was a dizzy mess and I couldn't wait until I could talk to someone sane. I did find my Mother and she was in total shock and disbelief. My Dad had found her and she came to my house directly. She had red eyes that were deeply filled with pain. She loved my Husband, Ben (NOT HIS REAL NAME) and felt hurt and saddened.
I went to the Bishop's office by myself. I waited in my car for what seemed like hours and it must have been 10 minutes. I thought to myself "This is not a problem I would have, this is always someone else you hear about!" It was now my problem, my new life. While I was waiting, someone else pulled up and then the Bishop right behind them. Of all people, My Relief Society President. I got out of my car and walk up to the door. The Bishop visited with her for just a minute then She turned to me and said "Meg, are you okay?" I could not say anything to her at that moment so I just said "Not really" She told me she would get in touch with me later. She did call me the next day. She said "I don't know anything that is going on, I just want you to know I am here for you and I will do whatever I can. Just listen, go for a walk or hear you cry. I'll be here." It was a great strength to know someone cared and having her at the Church house at the right time was another of Heavenly Fathers tender mercy's. She was there for me even after she was released and still is to this day!
I was finally able to sit across from my Bishop and tell him what pain I was under. He was so loving, tears filled his eyes. He was so stunned, you remember, he called Ben to be his Executive Secretary. He said "Meg, I prayed about calling him, I know it was the right feeling." He felt betrayed too. I said "Bishop, it was up to Ben to be truthful and maybe Heavenly Father gave him a choice to come forward and he didn't." Looking back, I think there were so many times he should have stepped back out of unworthiness, I know I would have, but when you are involved in such shame you try to keep appearances normal and good. A person is 2 different characters and that's what he was doing. He was playing the good Ben and the Bad Ben. He wanted to live in 2 different worlds. The Bishop said to me "Sister Glenn, I need to call the Stake President and tell him what is going on because he is a Melchizedek Priesthood holder. Do I have you permission?" My heart sank as I replied "Yes." That is how the road to excommunication began. It was now on a Stake level and no turning back. My Bishop finish talking to me and then gave me a blessing. He was such a strength in my darkest time. He walked me to the door and shook my hand. He told me how much my family meant to him. Our children where close to him, so he also felt like a loving Grandpa too. As I walked out, his sweet wife was sitting in a chair in the darkened lobby. She stood up to hug me, I fell into her arms. She was the hug that my Bishop couldn't give me. I had known her as a teenager, she was a good friend. She just held me and said "Oh honey, what can I do?" She told me how much she loved me and how important I was. She was so caring.
The excommunication process was rapid. We met with the Stake President the next night, a Tuesday. Ben had to confess what he had done still holding back details that weren't brought to light. He told just what he had too. I didn't know that at the time. He was in a complete tail spin. I can't even imagine what he was feeling. Probably, "OH CRAP! I'm busted and I'm not willing to sell my self out!" Lots of details would be coming out in the next few days, weeks, months and that's how long it took. The extent was enormous. That following Sunday we met with the High Counselors and Stake President. The Men were informed about a brethren that had committed Adultery and he had a wife and children. They didn't know who it was until we walked in the room. Yes, I accompanied him. Looking back, that was something that would help me heal. I needed to see this process, it was justice some what. I needed to see him held accountable for wronging me. The Council was filled with 12 men we both knew. We live in a small, close net community. I saw the sorrow in all of their faces as we entered the room. I know it was a shock to them too. We sat at the end of a long table. The table is set-up to where you can see each of the Brethren's faces. They were a long faced looking bunch, I tell you what! The Stake President started out with the facts he knew "Brother Glenn, is it true that you have had an extra marital affair?" Ben answered "Yes." President continues "Is it true that she now says she is pregnant?" Ben's answer, "Yes." You should have seen the Brethren's faces then, they had to lift their jaws off of the table. They all looked at me to see my reaction. I was still in shock so I'm sure my face was blank. The Stake President asked us to leave while they discuss their decision. We went to the lobby and waited. We were alone and the mood was very sad. I felt kind of vindicated though. I thought "Now a room full of Men knows what a jerk you have been to me and our family." I had so many emotions flying left and right. I also felt we knew what the answer would be and it didn't take long. We were asked to re-join them. The Stake President told him the decision would be excommunication. It was so cut and dry. He went on to tell him that he could no longer attended the Temple, he couldn't wear the Sacred Garment, he could attend Church but would no longer be a Member. He was not to take part in any way. He could not pay his tithing, he could not use or hold the Priesthood. That is when the tears started flowing from his eyes. He had been crying but not flowing until this moment. All his blessings where removed. It was a heart ache also for me. All my dreams of a Worthy Priesthood holder melted and dissolved with each word spoken. It was true sorrow. I cried with shaking shoulders. I was beyond consulting. The Stake President asked if he had anything to say. Ben got his composure and said "I'll be back, I want to be a member again someday and I will do all that I can to get there. I PROMISE." I feel that it was sincere and that Heavenly Father was going to help him with that promise, but it was going to take moving mountains to get there. The Stake President asked if I had anything I wanted to say. (I really can't remember what I said. I couldn't bear keeping a journal about this. My Sister asked me too but I felt like I could never relive the traumatic details, and here I sit typing them.) I know I said that I still loved him and that I was willing to help him, that I made a convent with him and my children to endure to the end and try to pull us back as an eternal family. It wasn't easy. It took a lot of fasting and prayer to feel this way. We stood up to leave and there wasn't a dry eye in the room. Each man reached out to shake our hands. Ben was given many hugs and words of love and encouragement.
The next Tuesday the door bell rang at our house. Ben answered it and it was a Counselor in the Stake Presidency. He asked if he could speak to him outside. He gave a letter with the Councils decision. It was final. He was no longer a Member of the LDS church. How sad that a person will give up the greatest blessings for worldly pleasures that are so fleeting. I just can't figure out why people don't take heed to the warning that our sins will be "Shouted from the roof tops" That is enough for me. I remember when I learned that in Seminary. I thought "Gosh, I hope I don't do anything that bad that people will hear it from the roof tops!"
It was such a sad time. Our little boy was turning 8 in a month and Ben had to tell him that he couldn't baptize him. That is when I think Ben saw the true sorrow. Our little boy was brave for a few minutes and then completely fell apart. He said "But Daddy, who's going to Baptize me?" Ben answered "Grandpa will do it." And our little boy cried "But Daddy, I wanted you to do it." His older Brother and Sister were crying too. It was one of the saddest moments in my life.
Now you ask, "How could this family possibly live through this?" The Holy Ghost, he was my constant companion!! It is truly one of the greatest gifts a person can receive. I had comfort beyond what I could comprehend. I would feel complete despair, I would pray and feel the sweet peace only Heaven could bring. No words could help from others, well maybe my Mom's but other than her I could only attain it through the Holy Ghost. One late night I was feeling like I was coming apart. I felt like I must have been the ugliest most unwanted person in the world. I just ran everything over and over in my mind. I was not being kind to myself. Well I had to stop and realize who was wanting me to feel this way. Satan knows our weaknesses and mine was self esteem. My nephew says that he is one of the biggest cowards, he doesn't get us when we are strong, he waits for a weak time and that's when he works on you. This was that time. I crawled out of my bed and dropped to my knees. I needed to hear I was good, loved and of value. It's one of the things an affair robs you of, personal value. I pleaded with Heavenly Father for help. I finished my pray and was still unable to resume sleep. I went into our living room and turned on the T.V. I was flipping through channels and thought maybe I could find peace from the BYU channel. A Sister was talking, at first I didn't listen fully then she started speaking as if just to me. She said that our Savior knows our heart ache and pain, that he loves us as individuals. That we are women of great worth. I cannot recall all that she said but I know how I felt. I felt like my Father in Heaven was telling me what he wanted me to hear, through another person. I felt the sweet warmth of Heavenly arms wrapped around my heart. I knew in that moment I was not alone, that I had the angels of Heaven with me. I knew that if I did all that I could, I would be taken care of and loved. It was the most amazing feelings. The speaker was Wendy L. Watson. I believe she is now married to Russell M. Nelson. I might be wrong... She spoke to my heart that dark night. It was one of the tenderest mercy's from my loving Heavenly Father. It helped sustain me.
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The Details....
(Warning...My ranting time!!) The details had to be sorted out. It was like a ball of yarn that suddenly was tangled and needed all the knots taken out. It was tight and hard. Ben would give a little here and there. I finally called the girl up. I had to know if what she was saying was true, that she was carrying Ben's child. She said that she miscarried, which I know was a lie. Remember, she worked at my Dr.'s office when I was pregnant with my last child. I knew the talk in the office. When she was married to her husband She was having fertility problems and couldn't get pregnant. I know it wasn't her husband because after she left he got another girl pregnant. (It sounds like a yucky soap opera. It felt like one too!) That's why I doubted her story all along. She was extremely heavy and could not conceive. Ben had not been intimate with her until after he had a vasectomy. On regular terms, yes someone could conceive but this would have not been one of those times. She was sticky sweet when I talked to her. I did not accuses or go after her in anyway. I needed to keep her thinking I was this wounded victim and I needed her friendship...P-L-EASEEEE She told me that if I needed anyone to talk to, she was there for me. Whatever you stupid girl. This girl had the guts to show up at our Church House to see Ben's wife. I remember walking out and seeing her sitting in our lobby. I thought she must have moved into our Ward because her husband had kicked her out. She was just there to check me out...sicko!! She was checking the competition out. Humm wonder what she thought. I was a slight 100 lbs. lighter...girl friend! I asked Ben what he thought when he saw her sitting there. He said he felt like all HELL was about to break lose. YOU GOT THAT RIGHT!!Enough of my ranting. I might have ruined the spirit but I had to share that detail. So the Story goes.......
Monday, October 13, 2008
When Time Stopped!
This post has taken me some time to go over in my mind the details and has not been easy to relive even though it's been 5 years.
MH was a good Provider and Dad at the time I go back to 5 years ago. We were living a busy life. 4 kids and lots of activities. We had just your average marriage. We loved each other and our kids. We had been married for 16 years and I thought I knew all there was to know about MH. He was just called in our church to be Executive Secretary. I was so proud of him. He held several callings and always excepted anything that came his way, he just had one problem. He had a hard time overcoming chewing tobacco. I know people who do not belong to our church would not understand that a problem like this would be troubling but it is. As Latter-Day-Saints, we have standards which one keeps to live a pure and healthy life. It is part of a commandment we call "The Word Of Wisdom." It was given in 1833, before there were any adverse side effects know to Smoking and Alcohol consumption and how good it was for you to live healthy and eat right. They were simply "Words of Wisdom". Later, Section 89 of the Doctrine and Covenants became a commandment we adhere to and live by. It is part of what we consider our worthiness to enter into our Holy Temples. By keeping this commandment, it shows our willingness to be pure and the importunates we take care of our "Earthly Temples", our bodies. It was never a temptation for me but it was MH's struggle since he was 13 or 14 years old. He always tried to fight the battle but I believe one has to really want it to over come it. He did not. He always looked at it as an old friend. He would over come it for a while, such as for his Mission and at other times but always picked up where he left off. It became a game of Cat and Mouse for us. It was a big sore spot. I would get very angry when I would find out he had been doing it. Not so much because it was a "Commandment" but more so for the lying and mistrust it created in our marriage. At times I would tell him "If you are going to chew, just tell me, the lying is the hardest part" and it was. The reason being that I would think he had every thing under control and had over come it and then I would see signs of it. I became consumed with watching out for it. Looking at his toothbrush, looking at his teeth, smelling his breath, looking for cans of Copenhagen and finding tobacco in his pick-up seat. Yes, I became CONSUMED! He was so good at hiding it too. He had his stashes... tool boxes, in his boots anywhere he thought I wouldn't look. So round and round we went. I would think he was doing good and living right, he would let me get comfortable and trust him, he would chew, I would blow up, he would quite....over and over it went. It was the 3rd person in our marriage. Not our Father in Heaven or the Saviour but Copenhagen. I knew he knew better but he just didn't want the spiritually pure things in life, more. I had my part of it too. I would bring myself down to a different level and fight some ugly fights with him. It was so upsetting. I hated it! He became very good at lying. I still loved him though and wanted so much for him to move out of this spot in his life. I could see the good in spite of all the bad.
So back to when he was called as Executive Secretary, I thought maybe this was it! He was growing up and wanted something better, to let go of something that was addicting. He excepted the calling and I felt like the Army with their "Don't ask, don't tell" policy. I just wanted to believe in him so much. I was let down. I knew he was chewing. I talked to him and told him it was just unfair to let people think he was worthy of a calling when he wasn't. He was the Bishop's Secretary for heaven sake and needed to straighten up. My Mom came to him and told him how broken hearted she was for me, he still has the loving letter she wrote him in his drawer, he said he would try.
About the same time, it was the end of Summer and we decided to go on a camping trip before School started. My Brother-in-law said he would come and go with us. I was so excited because I had been trying so hard to have my family come with us sometime. My bro-in-law and I planned everything. It was to be a fun family time. It seemed like the Husband I knew was not the same. He was with-drawn, sulky. He didn't participate in any of the planning. He almost seemed mad and jealous that my attention was on someone else other than him and this was not him AT ALL. He was the first one to get in there and plan things especially camping. I was confused but didn't realize that until I looked back. I just thought he was under stress. He had been working a lot, not coming home until late, busy, busy busy. So I thought this would be a great family outing.
We got to the camp grounds and set up. It was to be fun but I felt like I had Mr. Spoiled Brat with me. I brought it to his attention to just lighten up and have fun, he would get even madder. We all went to bed that first night and I started talking to him about the situation. He was being such a mean person. I could not figure him out. It was like someone else was in his body. He blamed me, he said it was because I was the one causing the trouble. I'm thinking "Are you kidding me? You're acting like a 2 year old!!" I knew it wasn't me, I really was trying plus I had family around and I didn't want them to know what was going on between us so I was really trying to act happy and cover up what a jerk he was acting like. I will take the blame when it is due, I have my moments, I know I am not perfect and the easiest to live with but the way he was treating me and also my family was undeserving! We ended the night with a screaming match. NOT GOOD!
The next day was a Sunday, time to go home. It was fun at times (If I was away from HIM) but mostly a miserable time. I was embarrassed by his behavior. I wanted to apologize but just thought it was best to ignore it.
We finally get home and lay down to take a nap. The phone rings and it's his brother. He seemed a little agitated and got up and left the bed. I didn't know what the phone call was about. I wouldn't find out until later that the S%#t hit the fan! Looking back, that evening didn't seem out of the ordinary. No bells went off or anything but it was about to the next day.
This is the moment I have been really dreading...I am shaking just typing this but I guess it's like a band-aid, it's better to rip it off quick. So hear it goes...When time Stopped in my life.
It was a Monday morning, My oldest Son was starting High School. It was so exciting to start this new adventure with him. He was starting "High School" football. It was time for 2 a day practice and I needed to get him to the School early. I think it was about 5:45 a.m. We were hurrying to get there. I was tired after a full summer of sleeping in. We arrived at the School and there is MH. Why was he there? I was in a state of confusion from the start. He got in the car with me and my son at the School. I asked "What are you doing here?" I thought he maybe wanted to see our Son off or something. It was really strange behavior. He should be heading to work. He said "I need to go pick-up parts" (in the next town from ours which is about an hour away)"Come and go with me." It was his cover-up so my Son wouldn't know anything was going on. I said "I can't go, I've got the kids at home and I haven't taken a shower." I was worried about a SHOWER? I drove my Son to the front door, the whole time looking at my strange husband. He was acting so weird. He was breathing funny and all red. I thought maybe someone had been hurt. I kept saying "What's wrong?" He would answer with "Nothing" My Son got out. MH said "I need to talk to you about something. Could you go around back and park the car?" I parked and looked at him...things would NEVER, EVER be the same from this point on in our Marriage. He said "I have been unfaithful to you." I said "WHAT?" He said "I have had an affair." I said "With who?" He said "You wouldn't know her, she lived her once but moved away." I asked "Where does she live?" he said "Nevada" My mind exploded, who did I know that moved to Nevada? We know the same people, we live the same lives, there's no one he knows that I don't know. I asked "Who is she." He told me her name and indeed I did know her. She had once worked at the Dr.'s office I had gone to for my last baby. She was someone I was so shocked he would be involved with. She was over weight and fat, I'm not just saying that to be mean about her, she was. She was ugly! I thought "Why her?" I asked "Is that all you need to tell me?" and he said "No, she says she is pregnant with my baby." Now remember he had a vasectomy and I was running dates through my head. It could have been possible but she had also been with her husband. I know! She was married too! She had moved to Nevada to move out and leave, she was divorcing her husband. I asked if it was over and he said that yes it was but that she was wanting him to go with her. I said "Well then why didn't you go?" Get this answer "Because I have a Wife and Children, I love them and I am not going to walk out on them." HUH?? What ever!! Didn't he think his actions were speaking louder than words??
I think these were the worst words I ever heard in my life. It was every married partners worst nightmares coming true. I didn't know what to do. I was so scared, modified! "I need help" I thought, "Where is my Bishop? I need my Bishop. Someone help me wake up from this dream." I knew I needed spiritual guidance. This is where all the things I had been taught came into strong play. PRAYER, PRIESTHOOD BLESSING, SAVIOR, STRENGTH, GUIDANCE!! I felt like I was falling from an Airplane with out a parachute. I turned the car on and started to drive. MH didn't know what I was going to do or how I was going to reacted. I think he thought it would be about him and I was going to go ballistic on him. It wasn't, It was about me! It was about my sweet babies at home that were also victims in the pain of someone Else's behavior. Selfish, Selfish people. How could you think only of yourselves and not of the people who will have to suffer the consequences of your actions. Like I said in the last blog....Sin Makes People STUPID!!! I drove. "MY BISHOP, MY BISHOP get to MY BISHOP'S HOUSE" was all I was thinking. He lived only a block away from the School. I ran to his door. Pounding "Bishop, Bishop, please be home, PLEASE? Someone help me! Help Heavenly Father, where do I go what do I do? Father, Father where are you, PLEASE , What do I do!" Was my pleading prayer. I was so lost, I was like a lost little child. I turned into that little girl that needed taken care of, someone bad hurt me and I needed lifted and held. All the while MH sat in the car watching this train wreck. It was the full impacted of his behavior playing out. My Bishop wasn't home. I couldn't reach him. There are times in our lives that I KNOW that our Father in Heaven is preparing us for and this was one of those times. My Bishop wasn't home because someone else was there to guide me. Next I thought "MOM, MOM get to Moms house and fast." I drove the 2 miles to my parents home in record time. Now remember, it is still pretty early and my Mom is always a late sleeper. I open the door to the house and call out "MOM, MOM help me MOM!!" I run down the hall way and open my parent's bedroom. NO MOM! Nobody to help, no one. I stood with tears running and weak knee's. I am all alone with this tragedy. Then my Dad sits up out of bed. "Sister, What is wrong?" I am not one to ever go to my dad. I am my Mother's daughter. She is my ground. She sooths my life troubles over, but today it was not her my Heavenly Father had planned for me to turn to. It was my Earthly Father. I went to his side of the bed and dropped to my knee's, I was finally able to dissolve into my bodies shock. My dad held me and asked "Sister, Sister what is wrong? Is someone hurt?" I said "Dad, He has been unfaithful to me and the girl says she is pregnant." He sat up and said "Oh, Sister, let me get dressed and I will give you a blessing." I went into the living room and sat and cried and cried, not just tears but my soul wept. I was no longer the "ONE AND ONLY" that my husband had know and held and kissed. I was in the fight for my life and marriage. My Dad placed his hands on my head and pronounce a blessing of comfort, and stillness. He reminded me that I was a daughter of God, who loved me. He said that MH was also Heavenly Father's child and that the Savior atoned for our sins. That the Savior's atonement is also for me. That he is the only one that can understand what I am going through and to turn to him. I felt the tears fall to my lap. I felt my hot face for the first time that day. I felt a peace come into me. I felt like a kitten when it is soothed and purrs. I felt safe. I stood and my Dad wrapped his arms around me and just held me. He asked me if I would be okay and I said that I felt peace. He asked "Where is your husband?" I said "In the car" He asked if it was okay if he talked to him? I said "I'm sure he needs it too." Dad walked me out and went to MH side of the car. I think MH got out of the car and my Dad hugged him and held him too. My Parents loved him like a Son. I don't remember when I talked to my Mom or when MH talked to his Dad, his Mom had died, So all he had was his Dad. That day is just a blur. It felt like I had the WORST flu of my life. My body was in shock. That news took everything out of me physically. August 11Th, 2003 will be a day that changed my life, I can't go back to the day before. I am a changed person. I lost my innocence and trust. So much has to be earned back. I have learned great lessons also, some I would not give up.
I look back now and realize that I was prepared for this day. I was being prepared every time I read a scripture, every prayer that brought me closer to my Heavenly Father. Every time I learned about the love of my Savior. All the testimonies I heard about enduring. Watching other people go through adversity and come out of it. I was taught all my life that I was a child of great worth and that I had great value. I was important and loved. This was my strength, my rock. I was ever grateful for the teachings I had that held me up in this time of crises. It was not going to be easy, it still isn't at times but I know where to turn. I would hear the words to the song over and over in my mind "Where can I turn for Peace? Where is my solace when other sources cease to make me whole? When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice, I draw myself apart, Searching my soul? Where, when my aching grows, Where, when I languish, Where, in my need to know, where can I run? Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish? Who, who can understand? He, only ONE. He answers privately, Reaches my reaching. In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend. Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching Constant he is and kind, Love without end. That is how I survived that Moment. So the Story goes.......
MH was a good Provider and Dad at the time I go back to 5 years ago. We were living a busy life. 4 kids and lots of activities. We had just your average marriage. We loved each other and our kids. We had been married for 16 years and I thought I knew all there was to know about MH. He was just called in our church to be Executive Secretary. I was so proud of him. He held several callings and always excepted anything that came his way, he just had one problem. He had a hard time overcoming chewing tobacco. I know people who do not belong to our church would not understand that a problem like this would be troubling but it is. As Latter-Day-Saints, we have standards which one keeps to live a pure and healthy life. It is part of a commandment we call "The Word Of Wisdom." It was given in 1833, before there were any adverse side effects know to Smoking and Alcohol consumption and how good it was for you to live healthy and eat right. They were simply "Words of Wisdom". Later, Section 89 of the Doctrine and Covenants became a commandment we adhere to and live by. It is part of what we consider our worthiness to enter into our Holy Temples. By keeping this commandment, it shows our willingness to be pure and the importunates we take care of our "Earthly Temples", our bodies. It was never a temptation for me but it was MH's struggle since he was 13 or 14 years old. He always tried to fight the battle but I believe one has to really want it to over come it. He did not. He always looked at it as an old friend. He would over come it for a while, such as for his Mission and at other times but always picked up where he left off. It became a game of Cat and Mouse for us. It was a big sore spot. I would get very angry when I would find out he had been doing it. Not so much because it was a "Commandment" but more so for the lying and mistrust it created in our marriage. At times I would tell him "If you are going to chew, just tell me, the lying is the hardest part" and it was. The reason being that I would think he had every thing under control and had over come it and then I would see signs of it. I became consumed with watching out for it. Looking at his toothbrush, looking at his teeth, smelling his breath, looking for cans of Copenhagen and finding tobacco in his pick-up seat. Yes, I became CONSUMED! He was so good at hiding it too. He had his stashes... tool boxes, in his boots anywhere he thought I wouldn't look. So round and round we went. I would think he was doing good and living right, he would let me get comfortable and trust him, he would chew, I would blow up, he would quite....over and over it went. It was the 3rd person in our marriage. Not our Father in Heaven or the Saviour but Copenhagen. I knew he knew better but he just didn't want the spiritually pure things in life, more. I had my part of it too. I would bring myself down to a different level and fight some ugly fights with him. It was so upsetting. I hated it! He became very good at lying. I still loved him though and wanted so much for him to move out of this spot in his life. I could see the good in spite of all the bad.
So back to when he was called as Executive Secretary, I thought maybe this was it! He was growing up and wanted something better, to let go of something that was addicting. He excepted the calling and I felt like the Army with their "Don't ask, don't tell" policy. I just wanted to believe in him so much. I was let down. I knew he was chewing. I talked to him and told him it was just unfair to let people think he was worthy of a calling when he wasn't. He was the Bishop's Secretary for heaven sake and needed to straighten up. My Mom came to him and told him how broken hearted she was for me, he still has the loving letter she wrote him in his drawer, he said he would try.
About the same time, it was the end of Summer and we decided to go on a camping trip before School started. My Brother-in-law said he would come and go with us. I was so excited because I had been trying so hard to have my family come with us sometime. My bro-in-law and I planned everything. It was to be a fun family time. It seemed like the Husband I knew was not the same. He was with-drawn, sulky. He didn't participate in any of the planning. He almost seemed mad and jealous that my attention was on someone else other than him and this was not him AT ALL. He was the first one to get in there and plan things especially camping. I was confused but didn't realize that until I looked back. I just thought he was under stress. He had been working a lot, not coming home until late, busy, busy busy. So I thought this would be a great family outing.
We got to the camp grounds and set up. It was to be fun but I felt like I had Mr. Spoiled Brat with me. I brought it to his attention to just lighten up and have fun, he would get even madder. We all went to bed that first night and I started talking to him about the situation. He was being such a mean person. I could not figure him out. It was like someone else was in his body. He blamed me, he said it was because I was the one causing the trouble. I'm thinking "Are you kidding me? You're acting like a 2 year old!!" I knew it wasn't me, I really was trying plus I had family around and I didn't want them to know what was going on between us so I was really trying to act happy and cover up what a jerk he was acting like. I will take the blame when it is due, I have my moments, I know I am not perfect and the easiest to live with but the way he was treating me and also my family was undeserving! We ended the night with a screaming match. NOT GOOD!
The next day was a Sunday, time to go home. It was fun at times (If I was away from HIM) but mostly a miserable time. I was embarrassed by his behavior. I wanted to apologize but just thought it was best to ignore it.
We finally get home and lay down to take a nap. The phone rings and it's his brother. He seemed a little agitated and got up and left the bed. I didn't know what the phone call was about. I wouldn't find out until later that the S%#t hit the fan! Looking back, that evening didn't seem out of the ordinary. No bells went off or anything but it was about to the next day.
This is the moment I have been really dreading...I am shaking just typing this but I guess it's like a band-aid, it's better to rip it off quick. So hear it goes...When time Stopped in my life.
It was a Monday morning, My oldest Son was starting High School. It was so exciting to start this new adventure with him. He was starting "High School" football. It was time for 2 a day practice and I needed to get him to the School early. I think it was about 5:45 a.m. We were hurrying to get there. I was tired after a full summer of sleeping in. We arrived at the School and there is MH. Why was he there? I was in a state of confusion from the start. He got in the car with me and my son at the School. I asked "What are you doing here?" I thought he maybe wanted to see our Son off or something. It was really strange behavior. He should be heading to work. He said "I need to go pick-up parts" (in the next town from ours which is about an hour away)"Come and go with me." It was his cover-up so my Son wouldn't know anything was going on. I said "I can't go, I've got the kids at home and I haven't taken a shower." I was worried about a SHOWER? I drove my Son to the front door, the whole time looking at my strange husband. He was acting so weird. He was breathing funny and all red. I thought maybe someone had been hurt. I kept saying "What's wrong?" He would answer with "Nothing" My Son got out. MH said "I need to talk to you about something. Could you go around back and park the car?" I parked and looked at him...things would NEVER, EVER be the same from this point on in our Marriage. He said "I have been unfaithful to you." I said "WHAT?" He said "I have had an affair." I said "With who?" He said "You wouldn't know her, she lived her once but moved away." I asked "Where does she live?" he said "Nevada" My mind exploded, who did I know that moved to Nevada? We know the same people, we live the same lives, there's no one he knows that I don't know. I asked "Who is she." He told me her name and indeed I did know her. She had once worked at the Dr.'s office I had gone to for my last baby. She was someone I was so shocked he would be involved with. She was over weight and fat, I'm not just saying that to be mean about her, she was. She was ugly! I thought "Why her?" I asked "Is that all you need to tell me?" and he said "No, she says she is pregnant with my baby." Now remember he had a vasectomy and I was running dates through my head. It could have been possible but she had also been with her husband. I know! She was married too! She had moved to Nevada to move out and leave, she was divorcing her husband. I asked if it was over and he said that yes it was but that she was wanting him to go with her. I said "Well then why didn't you go?" Get this answer "Because I have a Wife and Children, I love them and I am not going to walk out on them." HUH?? What ever!! Didn't he think his actions were speaking louder than words??
I think these were the worst words I ever heard in my life. It was every married partners worst nightmares coming true. I didn't know what to do. I was so scared, modified! "I need help" I thought, "Where is my Bishop? I need my Bishop. Someone help me wake up from this dream." I knew I needed spiritual guidance. This is where all the things I had been taught came into strong play. PRAYER, PRIESTHOOD BLESSING, SAVIOR, STRENGTH, GUIDANCE!! I felt like I was falling from an Airplane with out a parachute. I turned the car on and started to drive. MH didn't know what I was going to do or how I was going to reacted. I think he thought it would be about him and I was going to go ballistic on him. It wasn't, It was about me! It was about my sweet babies at home that were also victims in the pain of someone Else's behavior. Selfish, Selfish people. How could you think only of yourselves and not of the people who will have to suffer the consequences of your actions. Like I said in the last blog....Sin Makes People STUPID!!! I drove. "MY BISHOP, MY BISHOP get to MY BISHOP'S HOUSE" was all I was thinking. He lived only a block away from the School. I ran to his door. Pounding "Bishop, Bishop, please be home, PLEASE? Someone help me! Help Heavenly Father, where do I go what do I do? Father, Father where are you, PLEASE , What do I do!" Was my pleading prayer. I was so lost, I was like a lost little child. I turned into that little girl that needed taken care of, someone bad hurt me and I needed lifted and held. All the while MH sat in the car watching this train wreck. It was the full impacted of his behavior playing out. My Bishop wasn't home. I couldn't reach him. There are times in our lives that I KNOW that our Father in Heaven is preparing us for and this was one of those times. My Bishop wasn't home because someone else was there to guide me. Next I thought "MOM, MOM get to Moms house and fast." I drove the 2 miles to my parents home in record time. Now remember, it is still pretty early and my Mom is always a late sleeper. I open the door to the house and call out "MOM, MOM help me MOM!!" I run down the hall way and open my parent's bedroom. NO MOM! Nobody to help, no one. I stood with tears running and weak knee's. I am all alone with this tragedy. Then my Dad sits up out of bed. "Sister, What is wrong?" I am not one to ever go to my dad. I am my Mother's daughter. She is my ground. She sooths my life troubles over, but today it was not her my Heavenly Father had planned for me to turn to. It was my Earthly Father. I went to his side of the bed and dropped to my knee's, I was finally able to dissolve into my bodies shock. My dad held me and asked "Sister, Sister what is wrong? Is someone hurt?" I said "Dad, He has been unfaithful to me and the girl says she is pregnant." He sat up and said "Oh, Sister, let me get dressed and I will give you a blessing." I went into the living room and sat and cried and cried, not just tears but my soul wept. I was no longer the "ONE AND ONLY" that my husband had know and held and kissed. I was in the fight for my life and marriage. My Dad placed his hands on my head and pronounce a blessing of comfort, and stillness. He reminded me that I was a daughter of God, who loved me. He said that MH was also Heavenly Father's child and that the Savior atoned for our sins. That the Savior's atonement is also for me. That he is the only one that can understand what I am going through and to turn to him. I felt the tears fall to my lap. I felt my hot face for the first time that day. I felt a peace come into me. I felt like a kitten when it is soothed and purrs. I felt safe. I stood and my Dad wrapped his arms around me and just held me. He asked me if I would be okay and I said that I felt peace. He asked "Where is your husband?" I said "In the car" He asked if it was okay if he talked to him? I said "I'm sure he needs it too." Dad walked me out and went to MH side of the car. I think MH got out of the car and my Dad hugged him and held him too. My Parents loved him like a Son. I don't remember when I talked to my Mom or when MH talked to his Dad, his Mom had died, So all he had was his Dad. That day is just a blur. It felt like I had the WORST flu of my life. My body was in shock. That news took everything out of me physically. August 11Th, 2003 will be a day that changed my life, I can't go back to the day before. I am a changed person. I lost my innocence and trust. So much has to be earned back. I have learned great lessons also, some I would not give up.
I look back now and realize that I was prepared for this day. I was being prepared every time I read a scripture, every prayer that brought me closer to my Heavenly Father. Every time I learned about the love of my Savior. All the testimonies I heard about enduring. Watching other people go through adversity and come out of it. I was taught all my life that I was a child of great worth and that I had great value. I was important and loved. This was my strength, my rock. I was ever grateful for the teachings I had that held me up in this time of crises. It was not going to be easy, it still isn't at times but I know where to turn. I would hear the words to the song over and over in my mind "Where can I turn for Peace? Where is my solace when other sources cease to make me whole? When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice, I draw myself apart, Searching my soul? Where, when my aching grows, Where, when I languish, Where, in my need to know, where can I run? Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish? Who, who can understand? He, only ONE. He answers privately, Reaches my reaching. In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend. Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching Constant he is and kind, Love without end. That is how I survived that Moment. So the Story goes.......
Monday, September 29, 2008
Our family life begins
I have been your typical wife and mother. The minute MH and I were married, it was time for babies to come into this union. I was ready, we were ready. We finally got the news towards the end of our first year that we were going to be parents. It was exciting to start this journey. We had a Son. Life was wonderful. We loved our little family. We grew in many ways as new parents do. We were a tight little bunch. I'm sure from the outside, everything looked great and you know, from the inside it was too! I loved my little family. I adored my boys. I had a sweet, loving husband and a beautiful little boy. My husband was even more wonderful because he had such great fatherly instincts.
Time went on and we knew it was time for more. A daughter joined us, we were going to start trying right at 2 years, she came 2 years 8 months later. We jumped a month ahead of schedule. We were so blessed. Life got a little more busy. Husband and Wife settled more into mommy and daddy but we still were close, just busier. Time for #3. He came a little later, 4 years later. Life really did feel busy. We kept up. Mommy, full time homemaker, church callings, friendships, family. It was a great busy life. Daddy, provider, church callings, husband, friend, son, all the things that goes with it. We kept doing what we were suppose too. I can't remember anything out of the ordinary. I remember thinking about then, that we had really started to grow up. We argued less, gave into each other more. We really were learning how to forget ourselves and serve our children and family. Now looking back, were we starting to forget each other? A little bit. MH was concerned with work, I was just....well a mommy. I wasn't anything fabulous or different, just mom. I didn't see any outside or inside problems. Time for #4. He came and I felt overwhelmed. I was very busy. It was as if kids were every where. I know, I couldn't have been a mom for any more. It was time to stop. It was time for some permanent action. Why am I adding this? Because a lot of times you look back and say "Gee, if I only would have KNOWN!!"
I remember when MH and I decided it was time to get a Vasectomy I asked him "This isn't going to make you think you can go out and play the field, does it?" Now don't freak out! Most men it doesn't, I just didn't know mine was already playing IN THE FIELD! The Dr. came in and told us all the do's and don't's, how many times to do it, be careful about pregnancies, "It could still happen and until you have 2 confirmed no sperm check, still be safe." He told us of a couple that came back and said that the husband had cheated on the wife and the girlfriend was pregnant but the husband said no way because he was fixed. The Dr. asked when it happened and he said shortly after he was fixed, sure enough the husband/boyfriend was a daddy again. The Dr. left the room and I turned to my husband and said "That is a shame, he is talking to the wrong people. We are a monogamous LDS couple. We have standards we keep and not part of the world that goes around sleeping with who ever!! For heaven sakes!" Remember I said that, it comes back to haunt me. Yes, I did really say those things. Nothing or nobody would come into my marital union. I knew it, nobody, no how!! Did I mention there were 2 in this union?
We went back to our lives now with a change in our sex life. It was fun, free. We waited the 2 times and no sperm. It takes a while because it takes about 10 times to fully be sperm free. I thought 10 times, holy cow that's going to be like almost a year for us. I was surprised it was 2 or so months. (Bell's go off anyone?)
I loved my husband, he was so hard working. I loved my family. We felt so complete. I was even feeling good about myself, I could always get the baby weight off and didn't feel to bad. I was grouchy but other than that, not out of the norm. I was still your church active little wife. I tried to do what I was suppose to. Keep going, make everyone happy.
When my baby was a new born I now can see some changes. I was totally consumed with baby, he was about 1 and a 1/2 months old. MH came to me and said, "I feel like you don't even know who I am. You don't even pay attention to me." I'm thinking and I believe I even said "I don't even know who I am, what day it is or if I'm still wearing the clothes from yesterday." I was spinning. I really did think "Where in the heck is this coming from? Why doesn't he step in and help a little more?" There was also a difference with the baby. He didn't really pay that much attention to the baby. I would almost have to make him hold him. I thought "Didn't we both want this baby?" And yes, we did.
About this time, MH's company was making some changes with a job site and MH needed to go out of town. I came down with a massive breast infection. I was so stinkin' sick. It felt like a bomb was dropped on me. I'm a tough gal, I hate being sick. I usually ignore it if I can, not this time. I was even dodging my Dr. He told me that if I got another breast infection he was going to hospitalize me. With all this in mind, MH was at the door getting ready to leave. I begged, pleaded with him to stay. I needed his help so bad. All I wanted to do was climb in bed and not have to take care of 4 kids. He went, I cried. I knew I needed a Dr. and my Mom. I broke down and called the Dr. and thank goodness, another Dr. was on call and gave me more Antibiotics. I was so sick I told my kids to please tell Grandma to hurry and come. I was sitting in front of the fire place when she came to the house, she took one look at me and said "You go get in bed or I'm taking you to the Hospital." It was a blessing from Heaven, MOM!
I know you are wondering, "Why the details?" Because this was NOT MH. The man I was married to would have called his boss and said "One more day, my wife is sick and I need to stay with my family." He would have put me to bed and taken care of the Dr. stuff, that is who I married. I was so hurt and surprised. Why? Why was this stupid job more important than me? He was practically running out the door.
He came home about a week later, I was better. I was anxious and happy he was coming home. I waited up. It was late, about 11 or 12 at night. He came into the house and it was as if a stranger walked in the front door. He was so unhappy. He presided to tell me everything I had done wrong in our marriage and that he didn't feel like we loved each other anymore. I'm thinking "You big stupid jerk, I almost died, I've just had a baby and where the hell is this coming from?" I couldn't understand why he was so mad at me, really. This fight was not my fault. I wanted to see him. I needed him and wanted love and wanted to love him. Who in the heck was this? (I promise I will fill in the blanks as the story unfolds.) Remember...."SIN MAKES PEOPLE STUPID!" So the Story goes.......
Time went on and we knew it was time for more. A daughter joined us, we were going to start trying right at 2 years, she came 2 years 8 months later. We jumped a month ahead of schedule. We were so blessed. Life got a little more busy. Husband and Wife settled more into mommy and daddy but we still were close, just busier. Time for #3. He came a little later, 4 years later. Life really did feel busy. We kept up. Mommy, full time homemaker, church callings, friendships, family. It was a great busy life. Daddy, provider, church callings, husband, friend, son, all the things that goes with it. We kept doing what we were suppose too. I can't remember anything out of the ordinary. I remember thinking about then, that we had really started to grow up. We argued less, gave into each other more. We really were learning how to forget ourselves and serve our children and family. Now looking back, were we starting to forget each other? A little bit. MH was concerned with work, I was just....well a mommy. I wasn't anything fabulous or different, just mom. I didn't see any outside or inside problems. Time for #4. He came and I felt overwhelmed. I was very busy. It was as if kids were every where. I know, I couldn't have been a mom for any more. It was time to stop. It was time for some permanent action. Why am I adding this? Because a lot of times you look back and say "Gee, if I only would have KNOWN!!"
I remember when MH and I decided it was time to get a Vasectomy I asked him "This isn't going to make you think you can go out and play the field, does it?" Now don't freak out! Most men it doesn't, I just didn't know mine was already playing IN THE FIELD! The Dr. came in and told us all the do's and don't's, how many times to do it, be careful about pregnancies, "It could still happen and until you have 2 confirmed no sperm check, still be safe." He told us of a couple that came back and said that the husband had cheated on the wife and the girlfriend was pregnant but the husband said no way because he was fixed. The Dr. asked when it happened and he said shortly after he was fixed, sure enough the husband/boyfriend was a daddy again. The Dr. left the room and I turned to my husband and said "That is a shame, he is talking to the wrong people. We are a monogamous LDS couple. We have standards we keep and not part of the world that goes around sleeping with who ever!! For heaven sakes!" Remember I said that, it comes back to haunt me. Yes, I did really say those things. Nothing or nobody would come into my marital union. I knew it, nobody, no how!! Did I mention there were 2 in this union?
We went back to our lives now with a change in our sex life. It was fun, free. We waited the 2 times and no sperm. It takes a while because it takes about 10 times to fully be sperm free. I thought 10 times, holy cow that's going to be like almost a year for us. I was surprised it was 2 or so months. (Bell's go off anyone?)
I loved my husband, he was so hard working. I loved my family. We felt so complete. I was even feeling good about myself, I could always get the baby weight off and didn't feel to bad. I was grouchy but other than that, not out of the norm. I was still your church active little wife. I tried to do what I was suppose to. Keep going, make everyone happy.
When my baby was a new born I now can see some changes. I was totally consumed with baby, he was about 1 and a 1/2 months old. MH came to me and said, "I feel like you don't even know who I am. You don't even pay attention to me." I'm thinking and I believe I even said "I don't even know who I am, what day it is or if I'm still wearing the clothes from yesterday." I was spinning. I really did think "Where in the heck is this coming from? Why doesn't he step in and help a little more?" There was also a difference with the baby. He didn't really pay that much attention to the baby. I would almost have to make him hold him. I thought "Didn't we both want this baby?" And yes, we did.
About this time, MH's company was making some changes with a job site and MH needed to go out of town. I came down with a massive breast infection. I was so stinkin' sick. It felt like a bomb was dropped on me. I'm a tough gal, I hate being sick. I usually ignore it if I can, not this time. I was even dodging my Dr. He told me that if I got another breast infection he was going to hospitalize me. With all this in mind, MH was at the door getting ready to leave. I begged, pleaded with him to stay. I needed his help so bad. All I wanted to do was climb in bed and not have to take care of 4 kids. He went, I cried. I knew I needed a Dr. and my Mom. I broke down and called the Dr. and thank goodness, another Dr. was on call and gave me more Antibiotics. I was so sick I told my kids to please tell Grandma to hurry and come. I was sitting in front of the fire place when she came to the house, she took one look at me and said "You go get in bed or I'm taking you to the Hospital." It was a blessing from Heaven, MOM!
I know you are wondering, "Why the details?" Because this was NOT MH. The man I was married to would have called his boss and said "One more day, my wife is sick and I need to stay with my family." He would have put me to bed and taken care of the Dr. stuff, that is who I married. I was so hurt and surprised. Why? Why was this stupid job more important than me? He was practically running out the door.
He came home about a week later, I was better. I was anxious and happy he was coming home. I waited up. It was late, about 11 or 12 at night. He came into the house and it was as if a stranger walked in the front door. He was so unhappy. He presided to tell me everything I had done wrong in our marriage and that he didn't feel like we loved each other anymore. I'm thinking "You big stupid jerk, I almost died, I've just had a baby and where the hell is this coming from?" I couldn't understand why he was so mad at me, really. This fight was not my fault. I wanted to see him. I needed him and wanted love and wanted to love him. Who in the heck was this? (I promise I will fill in the blanks as the story unfolds.) Remember...."SIN MAKES PEOPLE STUPID!" So the Story goes.......
Friday, September 26, 2008
Sparks Fly High, Love Blooms
It's funny what brings two people together, Ours was our Parents. My husband and I were acquainted before we "met" but his Mother and my Father are the one's that encouraged our courtship. I had graduate from High School and was living away from home at the time, dating another guy. My soon-to-be husband had just finished serving a Mission for our Church.
A few weeks before MH (MY HUSBAND) came home, I attended my Families Church Ward along with my then boyfriend. I introduced him to People in the Ward and also to my Bishop. MH's Mother was also in the same Ward and saw me introduce the "Then-boyfriend". Her impression was that I was introducing my Fiance. Well in a way he was. He had asked me to marry him and I said yes, "just don't tell anyone". I sounded excited, didn't I? I knew I wouldn't marry him but the idea was kind of fun to try on. I never had anyone want to marry me, it felt cool.
My future Mother-in-law's wheels started turning and she later approached my Parent's and wanted to know the details. My Dad did not like the current boyfriend at all so he was welcomed to a new suitor waiting in the side lines. When My Future Mother-in-law suggested that her Son meet his daughter he said "Let's go for it!"
After that Sunday I drove back to my home with the Boyfriend in tow. Our relationship was coming to a close. I just didn't feel the same about him and needed to let go and move on. He was a nice guy but I couldn't see living with him for the rest of my life let alone, ETERNITY! It was sad because he had also become my close friend so the transition was hard. I knew I needed to make some changes and decided the best way was to go back home for the summer.
While I was sorting out my current situation, MH was coming home. I didn't know this, or at the time really cared. It was his Homecoming and time for him to report on his successful Mission. My Mother was in attendance at church alone that day. I don't know why she was alone, I have 3 younger siblings. They must have slept in and Dad was working. Anyways, she said she felt such a strong impression for this Young Missionary. She was overwhelmed with love and admiration for him. She later told me she wanted to tell someone what a great young man he had become but nobody was there to comment to during the church service, they were probably home in bed! My Mother has since past away, but MH and she had such a loving relationship. She really loved him as her own Son. I will share more about their love at a later time.
May came along and in our Church, that is when we have a Father and Son camp out. I guess it's a great Male Bonding time, since I've never been to one considering I'm Female. My Dad finally saw M(FUTURE)H and greeted him. He was also impressed and bells went off. He knew he needed to get his Daughter to "meet again" with this Young Man.
Well, I packed up my belongings and headed for home. I remember feeling sad about my break-up and the loneliness that came. I was writing in my Journal one night, about my sorrows and had this overwhelming sense that my life was about to change. It was an exciting feeling. I quit feeling sorry for myself and became excited. I wrote in my journal, "I don't know what I am feeling right now. I feel that something is around the corner. It feels like something is about to happen in my life. I don't know what but it is an exciting feeling I can't even describe. I can't wait!"
A couple of days later I over hear my Dad mention MH's name and if he had called me yet. I went into an angry fit. I told my Mom that I didn't appreciate my Dad picking my dates and that it was embarrassing that he was trying to push me off on someone. I was ticked! My Mom tried to sooth it over. She suggest we go for a coke at the store (Remember, Small Town) and guess who was there in his Brown Chevy Pick-up, Cowboy boots (I hated Cowboys, no I loathed them) Cowboy Hat, Wranglers, Clean face, Sure Walk, Glowing Character but MFH! I didn't want to make it obvious that I was looking so I kind of ducked my head all the while my Mom was saying "Look over at him, Look at him! Isn't he good looking. Look, LOOK! You have to see how cute he is!!" I said "Mom, it sounds like you want to go out with him, why don't YOU ask him out and leave me out of this!" But the whole time I was acting reserved my heart was beating out of my chest. I thought he was the Cutest thing I had seen in my life. I was really excited to see him, all the time trying to act cool about the whole thing.
We made it home and then my head started to swim, "I do want him to call, I wonder if he saw me, I wonder if he'll call, will he call? Maybe he won't call, oh dang, he's not going to call!! The Phone rang and my older Sister answered it and said "A guys on the phone for you" I thought "Naw, it can't be him so soon." It was him! I tried to play it cool, "Hi, Oh hi. How are you? My Mom said you were home. How was your Mission? Oh, it was the best time of your life, wow sounds neat! ("NEAT" It was the 80's) Oh, your Mom told you I was home too and that you should take me to get a Coke? Sounds fun, yeah, I would like to. (His Mom? Great, My Dad and His Mom are pushing me on him!) Friday sounds great. (It was Wednesday.) See you on Friday, Bye." I get off the phone and run to my Sister to get her impression on how I did. "Did I sound to eager? Did I sound alright? Do you think I sounded dumb? What do you think he thinks?" She was trying to sound calming and pretty much told me to get over myself, I was fine.
I decided to go help my Dad work in the garden in the back yard. I'm running the Rota-tiller and all grubby and dirty. I look up and see a Brown, Chevy, Lifted Pick-up. Okay, I say to my self, "NO WAY, can he see me like this!!" But yes he sees his future Bride in all her glory and splendor, working in the Garden. He later told me that that is why he fell in love with me, because I knew how to work like a farm girl. What every girl loves to hear! I didn't know what to do so I just let him talk to my Dad while I finished up my row. I walked over to say Hi and he asked if I wanted to go get "That Coke" I said "Sure, just let me go get cleaned up." I'm thinking "What guy asks a girl out for a date and then shows up two days early? An EAGER guy! HE LIKES ME! WOW!" My heart never stopped beating. The minute I climbed into that Brown, Chevy, Lifted Pick-up that Very day, I never spent a day with out him. He was my "Soul Mate" and I was his. We were Married 9 months later and I knew I couldn't live with out him! So the Story goes......
A few weeks before MH (MY HUSBAND) came home, I attended my Families Church Ward along with my then boyfriend. I introduced him to People in the Ward and also to my Bishop. MH's Mother was also in the same Ward and saw me introduce the "Then-boyfriend". Her impression was that I was introducing my Fiance. Well in a way he was. He had asked me to marry him and I said yes, "just don't tell anyone". I sounded excited, didn't I? I knew I wouldn't marry him but the idea was kind of fun to try on. I never had anyone want to marry me, it felt cool.
My future Mother-in-law's wheels started turning and she later approached my Parent's and wanted to know the details. My Dad did not like the current boyfriend at all so he was welcomed to a new suitor waiting in the side lines. When My Future Mother-in-law suggested that her Son meet his daughter he said "Let's go for it!"
After that Sunday I drove back to my home with the Boyfriend in tow. Our relationship was coming to a close. I just didn't feel the same about him and needed to let go and move on. He was a nice guy but I couldn't see living with him for the rest of my life let alone, ETERNITY! It was sad because he had also become my close friend so the transition was hard. I knew I needed to make some changes and decided the best way was to go back home for the summer.
While I was sorting out my current situation, MH was coming home. I didn't know this, or at the time really cared. It was his Homecoming and time for him to report on his successful Mission. My Mother was in attendance at church alone that day. I don't know why she was alone, I have 3 younger siblings. They must have slept in and Dad was working. Anyways, she said she felt such a strong impression for this Young Missionary. She was overwhelmed with love and admiration for him. She later told me she wanted to tell someone what a great young man he had become but nobody was there to comment to during the church service, they were probably home in bed! My Mother has since past away, but MH and she had such a loving relationship. She really loved him as her own Son. I will share more about their love at a later time.
May came along and in our Church, that is when we have a Father and Son camp out. I guess it's a great Male Bonding time, since I've never been to one considering I'm Female. My Dad finally saw M(FUTURE)H and greeted him. He was also impressed and bells went off. He knew he needed to get his Daughter to "meet again" with this Young Man.
Well, I packed up my belongings and headed for home. I remember feeling sad about my break-up and the loneliness that came. I was writing in my Journal one night, about my sorrows and had this overwhelming sense that my life was about to change. It was an exciting feeling. I quit feeling sorry for myself and became excited. I wrote in my journal, "I don't know what I am feeling right now. I feel that something is around the corner. It feels like something is about to happen in my life. I don't know what but it is an exciting feeling I can't even describe. I can't wait!"
A couple of days later I over hear my Dad mention MH's name and if he had called me yet. I went into an angry fit. I told my Mom that I didn't appreciate my Dad picking my dates and that it was embarrassing that he was trying to push me off on someone. I was ticked! My Mom tried to sooth it over. She suggest we go for a coke at the store (Remember, Small Town) and guess who was there in his Brown Chevy Pick-up, Cowboy boots (I hated Cowboys, no I loathed them) Cowboy Hat, Wranglers, Clean face, Sure Walk, Glowing Character but MFH! I didn't want to make it obvious that I was looking so I kind of ducked my head all the while my Mom was saying "Look over at him, Look at him! Isn't he good looking. Look, LOOK! You have to see how cute he is!!" I said "Mom, it sounds like you want to go out with him, why don't YOU ask him out and leave me out of this!" But the whole time I was acting reserved my heart was beating out of my chest. I thought he was the Cutest thing I had seen in my life. I was really excited to see him, all the time trying to act cool about the whole thing.
We made it home and then my head started to swim, "I do want him to call, I wonder if he saw me, I wonder if he'll call, will he call? Maybe he won't call, oh dang, he's not going to call!! The Phone rang and my older Sister answered it and said "A guys on the phone for you" I thought "Naw, it can't be him so soon." It was him! I tried to play it cool, "Hi, Oh hi. How are you? My Mom said you were home. How was your Mission? Oh, it was the best time of your life, wow sounds neat! ("NEAT" It was the 80's) Oh, your Mom told you I was home too and that you should take me to get a Coke? Sounds fun, yeah, I would like to. (His Mom? Great, My Dad and His Mom are pushing me on him!) Friday sounds great. (It was Wednesday.) See you on Friday, Bye." I get off the phone and run to my Sister to get her impression on how I did. "Did I sound to eager? Did I sound alright? Do you think I sounded dumb? What do you think he thinks?" She was trying to sound calming and pretty much told me to get over myself, I was fine.
I decided to go help my Dad work in the garden in the back yard. I'm running the Rota-tiller and all grubby and dirty. I look up and see a Brown, Chevy, Lifted Pick-up. Okay, I say to my self, "NO WAY, can he see me like this!!" But yes he sees his future Bride in all her glory and splendor, working in the Garden. He later told me that that is why he fell in love with me, because I knew how to work like a farm girl. What every girl loves to hear! I didn't know what to do so I just let him talk to my Dad while I finished up my row. I walked over to say Hi and he asked if I wanted to go get "That Coke" I said "Sure, just let me go get cleaned up." I'm thinking "What guy asks a girl out for a date and then shows up two days early? An EAGER guy! HE LIKES ME! WOW!" My heart never stopped beating. The minute I climbed into that Brown, Chevy, Lifted Pick-up that Very day, I never spent a day with out him. He was my "Soul Mate" and I was his. We were Married 9 months later and I knew I couldn't live with out him! So the Story goes......
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Our Childhood and Upbringing in LDS homes.
I was raised in your typical LDS home. We were taught the faith of living Close to a Father in Heaven and his Son, Jesus Christ, that ascended to Earth to Die for our Sins. That was the fundamental teachings of my home. My Father was a Strong influence in our home as far as the LDS Church was concerned. We were brought up knowing who we were and what our purpose was on this Earth. I knew that I lived in Heaven and had a Father and Mother that knew me before I came to Earth. I was taught that this time on Earth was a time to prove our selves. That we must be obedient to commandment that our Savior taught through his ministry. I know that there will be a time after this life, that we will be face to face with our Savior and have to account for the lives we have lived and how we have over come our challenges. This is my core belief.
I had a Mother that showed by her example, of how to forgive and love. She was one that believed the best in people (She was hoping OJ Simpson was not guilty) She believed that people were fundamentally good inside and this is what she taught her children.
We didn't have the perfect family. We had many challenges and struggles. We were the family that would try to do what was asked, Home Evening, Scripture Study but fell short often but I cannot remember a time we did not go with out Family Prayer. That was done every evening and I knew my parents loved me through their prayers. They would talk to our Father in Heaven about concerns they would have for us. We knew we were loved.
I had many good influences through out my life. Many great examples of people striving to live Christ Centered lives. So you see, I was taught the "Learning's of My Fathers."
My Husband came from the same environment. He had a very faith based family. We grew up in the same small town. We both knew each other's families all though we didn't know each other that well. We knew about each other and that was all. His family was the "perfect family" as far as I was concerned. I couldn't even fathom that they had struggles like other families. His dad was a Bishop of our Ward we lived in, and I idolized his Mother. She reminded me of Laura Petrie from the Dick Van Dike show. She was the sweetest loving Mother, just perfected. We came from a small town, it was a great up-bringing for both of us. So we are your typical Primary going, MIA attending, My husband Served an Honorable Mission, Mormon kids. So the Story Goes....
I had a Mother that showed by her example, of how to forgive and love. She was one that believed the best in people (She was hoping OJ Simpson was not guilty) She believed that people were fundamentally good inside and this is what she taught her children.
We didn't have the perfect family. We had many challenges and struggles. We were the family that would try to do what was asked, Home Evening, Scripture Study but fell short often but I cannot remember a time we did not go with out Family Prayer. That was done every evening and I knew my parents loved me through their prayers. They would talk to our Father in Heaven about concerns they would have for us. We knew we were loved.
I had many good influences through out my life. Many great examples of people striving to live Christ Centered lives. So you see, I was taught the "Learning's of My Fathers."
My Husband came from the same environment. He had a very faith based family. We grew up in the same small town. We both knew each other's families all though we didn't know each other that well. We knew about each other and that was all. His family was the "perfect family" as far as I was concerned. I couldn't even fathom that they had struggles like other families. His dad was a Bishop of our Ward we lived in, and I idolized his Mother. She reminded me of Laura Petrie from the Dick Van Dike show. She was the sweetest loving Mother, just perfected. We came from a small town, it was a great up-bringing for both of us. So we are your typical Primary going, MIA attending, My husband Served an Honorable Mission, Mormon kids. So the Story Goes....
Why I am Sharing My Story of Hurt from Infidelity and Pornography Addiction
I am not doing this to degrade or belittle my Husband and his mistakes. The reason I am doing this is because when I found My husband was living a different life style, that I never imagined, I was devastated and didn't know where to turn when it all came out. My world was forever changed and I could never go back to what I or it once was. I thought I was alone and wanted to talk to someone who had been in my shoes. It changed my family dynamics and I needed to know what to do to survive this and try to rebuild a horribly shattered Marriage and Family. Most of you will know me simply because of the details, and that is fine, but I would like this to go beyond who knows and maybe help someone else through the moments and the devastation. I am remaining some what anonymous simply out of respect for my family, not just my immediate but also extended. I would love to hear from anyone that needs to remain anonymous and seeking out how I could survive the initial devastation and what direction I went to find help. If you would like to share your story with others, you may email me at www.hope.love.faith.always@gmail.com I can post it and keep it completely safe with out others knowing details. I want others to know that there is always hope!! As an LDS Person, it is hard to live with such shame and devastation but it happens. We tend to put much outside expectations as the most important view of ourselves. We live in an imperfect world with many temptations that we must resist. My views are based on what I know being raised as a Mormon and how that has shown me that there is always light with the love of our Savior and Father in Heaven. These 2 Heavenly beings are the reason I have been able to live and go forward. The greatest help is the sweet comfort I felt through the Holy Ghost. The gospel of Jesus Christ is the teachings that I clung to every moment of every hour of every day. Please feel free to share my story with those you might know that are in this fight for Home, Family and Marriage. I have not had any training in how to council others, other then going through this trial myself and the many soul searching aspects. I have had many hours of personal and marital counseling so I suggest this as a first step to finding help besides seeking the council of your loving Bishop or Clergy.
I want you to know that it is possible to move forward as you read my story and where I found my strength to endure. We have been told that we must forgive and endure to the end, how do we do that? I think the first thing is knowing you are not alone and that it is possible to overcome. I pray that as you will see my story unfold you will be non-judgemental and realize that we are all of Heavenly Father's Children and we are sent here on Earth to be tried and tested. We all have many test. I believe that we have these test to give us strength and to prove we can become more Christ like. We all have lived different lives that has helped define who we are and how we reacted. We have to sometimes analysis the different we have because of this. It is possible, there is HOPE. We have the plan to help us get through the darkest hours. Here is my story.......
I want you to know that it is possible to move forward as you read my story and where I found my strength to endure. We have been told that we must forgive and endure to the end, how do we do that? I think the first thing is knowing you are not alone and that it is possible to overcome. I pray that as you will see my story unfold you will be non-judgemental and realize that we are all of Heavenly Father's Children and we are sent here on Earth to be tried and tested. We all have many test. I believe that we have these test to give us strength and to prove we can become more Christ like. We all have lived different lives that has helped define who we are and how we reacted. We have to sometimes analysis the different we have because of this. It is possible, there is HOPE. We have the plan to help us get through the darkest hours. Here is my story.......
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