When Time Stopped!

This post has taken me some time to go over in my mind the details and has not been easy to relive even though it's been 5 years.
MH was a good Provider and Dad at the time I go back to 5 years ago. We were living a busy life. 4 kids and lots of activities. We had just your average marriage. We loved each other and our kids. We had been married for 16 years and I thought I knew all there was to know about MH. He was just called in our church to be Executive Secretary. I was so proud of him. He held several callings and always excepted anything that came his way, he just had one problem. He had a hard time overcoming chewing tobacco. I know people who do not belong to our church would not understand that a problem like this would be troubling but it is. As Latter-Day-Saints, we have standards which one keeps to live a pure and healthy life. It is part of a commandment we call "The Word Of Wisdom." It was given in 1833, before there were any adverse side effects know to Smoking and Alcohol consumption and how good it was for you to live healthy and eat right. They were simply "Words of Wisdom". Later, Section 89 of the Doctrine and Covenants became a commandment we adhere to and live by. It is part of what we consider our worthiness to enter into our Holy Temples. By keeping this commandment, it shows our willingness to be pure and the importunates we take care of our "Earthly Temples", our bodies. It was never a temptation for me but it was MH's struggle since he was 13 or 14 years old. He always tried to fight the battle but I believe one has to really want it to over come it. He did not. He always looked at it as an old friend. He would over come it for a while, such as for his Mission and at other times but always picked up where he left off. It became a game of Cat and Mouse for us. It was a big sore spot. I would get very angry when I would find out he had been doing it. Not so much because it was a "Commandment" but more so for the lying and mistrust it created in our marriage. At times I would tell him "If you are going to chew, just tell me, the lying is the hardest part" and it was. The reason being that I would think he had every thing under control and had over come it and then I would see signs of it. I became consumed with watching out for it. Looking at his toothbrush, looking at his teeth, smelling his breath, looking for cans of Copenhagen and finding tobacco in his pick-up seat. Yes, I became CONSUMED! He was so good at hiding it too. He had his stashes... tool boxes, in his boots anywhere he thought I wouldn't look. So round and round we went. I would think he was doing good and living right, he would let me get comfortable and trust him, he would chew, I would blow up, he would quite....over and over it went. It was the 3rd person in our marriage. Not our Father in Heaven or the Saviour but Copenhagen. I knew he knew better but he just didn't want the spiritually pure things in life, more. I had my part of it too. I would bring myself down to a different level and fight some ugly fights with him. It was so upsetting. I hated it! He became very good at lying. I still loved him though and wanted so much for him to move out of this spot in his life. I could see the good in spite of all the bad.
So back to when he was called as Executive Secretary, I thought maybe this was it! He was growing up and wanted something better, to let go of something that was addicting. He excepted the calling and I felt like the Army with their "Don't ask, don't tell" policy. I just wanted to believe in him so much. I was let down. I knew he was chewing. I talked to him and told him it was just unfair to let people think he was worthy of a calling when he wasn't. He was the Bishop's Secretary for heaven sake and needed to straighten up. My Mom came to him and told him how broken hearted she was for me, he still has the loving letter she wrote him in his drawer, he said he would try.
About the same time, it was the end of Summer and we decided to go on a camping trip before School started. My Brother-in-law said he would come and go with us. I was so excited because I had been trying so hard to have my family come with us sometime. My bro-in-law and I planned everything. It was to be a fun family time. It seemed like the Husband I knew was not the same. He was with-drawn, sulky. He didn't participate in any of the planning. He almost seemed mad and jealous that my attention was on someone else other than him and this was not him AT ALL. He was the first one to get in there and plan things especially camping. I was confused but didn't realize that until I looked back. I just thought he was under stress. He had been working a lot, not coming home until late, busy, busy busy. So I thought this would be a great family outing.
We got to the camp grounds and set up. It was to be fun but I felt like I had Mr. Spoiled Brat with me. I brought it to his attention to just lighten up and have fun, he would get even madder. We all went to bed that first night and I started talking to him about the situation. He was being such a mean person. I could not figure him out. It was like someone else was in his body. He blamed me, he said it was because I was the one causing the trouble. I'm thinking "Are you kidding me? You're acting like a 2 year old!!" I knew it wasn't me, I really was trying plus I had family around and I didn't want them to know what was going on between us so I was really trying to act happy and cover up what a jerk he was acting like. I will take the blame when it is due, I have my moments, I know I am not perfect and the easiest to live with but the way he was treating me and also my family was undeserving! We ended the night with a screaming match. NOT GOOD!
The next day was a Sunday, time to go home. It was fun at times (If I was away from HIM) but mostly a miserable time. I was embarrassed by his behavior. I wanted to apologize but just thought it was best to ignore it.
We finally get home and lay down to take a nap. The phone rings and it's his brother. He seemed a little agitated and got up and left the bed. I didn't know what the phone call was about. I wouldn't find out until later that the S%#t hit the fan! Looking back, that evening didn't seem out of the ordinary. No bells went off or anything but it was about to the next day.
This is the moment I have been really dreading...I am shaking just typing this but I guess it's like a band-aid, it's better to rip it off quick. So hear it goes...When time Stopped in my life.
It was a Monday morning, My oldest Son was starting High School. It was so exciting to start this new adventure with him. He was starting "High School" football. It was time for 2 a day practice and I needed to get him to the School early. I think it was about 5:45 a.m. We were hurrying to get there. I was tired after a full summer of sleeping in. We arrived at the School and there is MH. Why was he there? I was in a state of confusion from the start. He got in the car with me and my son at the School. I asked "What are you doing here?" I thought he maybe wanted to see our Son off or something. It was really strange behavior. He should be heading to work. He said "I need to go pick-up parts" (in the next town from ours which is about an hour away)"Come and go with me." It was his cover-up so my Son wouldn't know anything was going on. I said "I can't go, I've got the kids at home and I haven't taken a shower." I was worried about a SHOWER? I drove my Son to the front door, the whole time looking at my strange husband. He was acting so weird. He was breathing funny and all red. I thought maybe someone had been hurt. I kept saying "What's wrong?" He would answer with "Nothing" My Son got out. MH said "I need to talk to you about something. Could you go around back and park the car?" I parked and looked at him...things would NEVER, EVER be the same from this point on in our Marriage. He said "I have been unfaithful to you." I said "WHAT?" He said "I have had an affair." I said "With who?" He said "You wouldn't know her, she lived her once but moved away." I asked "Where does she live?" he said "Nevada" My mind exploded, who did I know that moved to Nevada? We know the same people, we live the same lives, there's no one he knows that I don't know. I asked "Who is she." He told me her name and indeed I did know her. She had once worked at the Dr.'s office I had gone to for my last baby. She was someone I was so shocked he would be involved with. She was over weight and fat, I'm not just saying that to be mean about her, she was. She was ugly! I thought "Why her?" I asked "Is that all you need to tell me?" and he said "No, she says she is pregnant with my baby." Now remember he had a vasectomy and I was running dates through my head. It could have been possible but she had also been with her husband. I know! She was married too! She had moved to Nevada to move out and leave, she was divorcing her husband. I asked if it was over and he said that yes it was but that she was wanting him to go with her. I said "Well then why didn't you go?" Get this answer "Because I have a Wife and Children, I love them and I am not going to walk out on them." HUH?? What ever!! Didn't he think his actions were speaking louder than words??
I think these were the worst words I ever heard in my life. It was every married partners worst nightmares coming true. I didn't know what to do. I was so scared, modified! "I need help" I thought, "Where is my Bishop? I need my Bishop. Someone help me wake up from this dream." I knew I needed spiritual guidance. This is where all the things I had been taught came into strong play. PRAYER, PRIESTHOOD BLESSING, SAVIOR, STRENGTH, GUIDANCE!! I felt like I was falling from an Airplane with out a parachute. I turned the car on and started to drive. MH didn't know what I was going to do or how I was going to reacted. I think he thought it would be about him and I was going to go ballistic on him. It wasn't, It was about me! It was about my sweet babies at home that were also victims in the pain of someone Else's behavior. Selfish, Selfish people. How could you think only of yourselves and not of the people who will have to suffer the consequences of your actions. Like I said in the last blog....Sin Makes People STUPID!!! I drove. "MY BISHOP, MY BISHOP get to MY BISHOP'S HOUSE" was all I was thinking. He lived only a block away from the School. I ran to his door. Pounding "Bishop, Bishop, please be home, PLEASE? Someone help me! Help Heavenly Father, where do I go what do I do? Father, Father where are you, PLEASE , What do I do!" Was my pleading prayer. I was so lost, I was like a lost little child. I turned into that little girl that needed taken care of, someone bad hurt me and I needed lifted and held. All the while MH sat in the car watching this train wreck. It was the full impacted of his behavior playing out. My Bishop wasn't home. I couldn't reach him. There are times in our lives that I KNOW that our Father in Heaven is preparing us for and this was one of those times. My Bishop wasn't home because someone else was there to guide me. Next I thought "MOM, MOM get to Moms house and fast." I drove the 2 miles to my parents home in record time. Now remember, it is still pretty early and my Mom is always a late sleeper. I open the door to the house and call out "MOM, MOM help me MOM!!" I run down the hall way and open my parent's bedroom. NO MOM! Nobody to help, no one. I stood with tears running and weak knee's. I am all alone with this tragedy. Then my Dad sits up out of bed. "Sister, What is wrong?" I am not one to ever go to my dad. I am my Mother's daughter. She is my ground. She sooths my life troubles over, but today it was not her my Heavenly Father had planned for me to turn to. It was my Earthly Father. I went to his side of the bed and dropped to my knee's, I was finally able to dissolve into my bodies shock. My dad held me and asked "Sister, Sister what is wrong? Is someone hurt?" I said "Dad, He has been unfaithful to me and the girl says she is pregnant." He sat up and said "Oh, Sister, let me get dressed and I will give you a blessing." I went into the living room and sat and cried and cried, not just tears but my soul wept. I was no longer the "ONE AND ONLY" that my husband had know and held and kissed. I was in the fight for my life and marriage. My Dad placed his hands on my head and pronounce a blessing of comfort, and stillness. He reminded me that I was a daughter of God, who loved me. He said that MH was also Heavenly Father's child and that the Savior atoned for our sins. That the Savior's atonement is also for me. That he is the only one that can understand what I am going through and to turn to him. I felt the tears fall to my lap. I felt my hot face for the first time that day. I felt a peace come into me. I felt like a kitten when it is soothed and purrs. I felt safe. I stood and my Dad wrapped his arms around me and just held me. He asked me if I would be okay and I said that I felt peace. He asked "Where is your husband?" I said "In the car" He asked if it was okay if he talked to him? I said "I'm sure he needs it too." Dad walked me out and went to MH side of the car. I think MH got out of the car and my Dad hugged him and held him too. My Parents loved him like a Son. I don't remember when I talked to my Mom or when MH talked to his Dad, his Mom had died, So all he had was his Dad. That day is just a blur. It felt like I had the WORST flu of my life. My body was in shock. That news took everything out of me physically. August 11Th, 2003 will be a day that changed my life, I can't go back to the day before. I am a changed person. I lost my innocence and trust. So much has to be earned back. I have learned great lessons also, some I would not give up.
I look back now and realize that I was prepared for this day. I was being prepared every time I read a scripture, every prayer that brought me closer to my Heavenly Father. Every time I learned about the love of my Savior. All the testimonies I heard about enduring. Watching other people go through adversity and come out of it. I was taught all my life that I was a child of great worth and that I had great value. I was important and loved. This was my strength, my rock. I was ever grateful for the teachings I had that held me up in this time of crises. It was not going to be easy, it still isn't at times but I know where to turn. I would hear the words to the song over and over in my mind "Where can I turn for Peace? Where is my solace when other sources cease to make me whole? When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice, I draw myself apart, Searching my soul? Where, when my aching grows, Where, when I languish, Where, in my need to know, where can I run? Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish? Who, who can understand? He, only ONE. He answers privately, Reaches my reaching. In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend. Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching Constant he is and kind, Love without end. That is how I survived that Moment. So the Story goes.......