Our family life begins

I have been your typical wife and mother. The minute MH and I were married, it was time for babies to come into this union. I was ready, we were ready. We finally got the news towards the end of our first year that we were going to be parents. It was exciting to start this journey. We had a Son. Life was wonderful. We loved our little family. We grew in many ways as new parents do. We were a tight little bunch. I'm sure from the outside, everything looked great and you know, from the inside it was too! I loved my little family. I adored my boys. I had a sweet, loving husband and a beautiful little boy. My husband was even more wonderful because he had such great fatherly instincts.
Time went on and we knew it was time for more. A daughter joined us, we were going to start trying right at 2 years, she came 2 years 8 months later. We jumped a month ahead of schedule. We were so blessed. Life got a little more busy. Husband and Wife settled more into mommy and daddy but we still were close, just busier. Time for #3. He came a little later, 4 years later. Life really did feel busy. We kept up. Mommy, full time homemaker, church callings, friendships, family. It was a great busy life. Daddy, provider, church callings, husband, friend, son, all the things that goes with it. We kept doing what we were suppose too. I can't remember anything out of the ordinary. I remember thinking about then, that we had really started to grow up. We argued less, gave into each other more. We really were learning how to forget ourselves and serve our children and family. Now looking back, were we starting to forget each other? A little bit. MH was concerned with work, I was just....well a mommy. I wasn't anything fabulous or different, just mom. I didn't see any outside or inside problems. Time for #4. He came and I felt overwhelmed. I was very busy. It was as if kids were every where. I know, I couldn't have been a mom for any more. It was time to stop. It was time for some permanent action. Why am I adding this? Because a lot of times you look back and say "Gee, if I only would have KNOWN!!"
I remember when MH and I decided it was time to get a Vasectomy I asked him "This isn't going to make you think you can go out and play the field, does it?" Now don't freak out! Most men it doesn't, I just didn't know mine was already playing IN THE FIELD! The Dr. came in and told us all the do's and don't's, how many times to do it, be careful about pregnancies, "It could still happen and until you have 2 confirmed no sperm check, still be safe." He told us of a couple that came back and said that the husband had cheated on the wife and the girlfriend was pregnant but the husband said no way because he was fixed. The Dr. asked when it happened and he said shortly after he was fixed, sure enough the husband/boyfriend was a daddy again. The Dr. left the room and I turned to my husband and said "That is a shame, he is talking to the wrong people. We are a monogamous LDS couple. We have standards we keep and not part of the world that goes around sleeping with who ever!! For heaven sakes!" Remember I said that, it comes back to haunt me. Yes, I did really say those things. Nothing or nobody would come into my marital union. I knew it, nobody, no how!! Did I mention there were 2 in this union?
We went back to our lives now with a change in our sex life. It was fun, free. We waited the 2 times and no sperm. It takes a while because it takes about 10 times to fully be sperm free. I thought 10 times, holy cow that's going to be like almost a year for us. I was surprised it was 2 or so months. (Bell's go off anyone?)
I loved my husband, he was so hard working. I loved my family. We felt so complete. I was even feeling good about myself, I could always get the baby weight off and didn't feel to bad. I was grouchy but other than that, not out of the norm. I was still your church active little wife. I tried to do what I was suppose to. Keep going, make everyone happy.
When my baby was a new born I now can see some changes. I was totally consumed with baby, he was about 1 and a 1/2 months old. MH came to me and said, "I feel like you don't even know who I am. You don't even pay attention to me." I'm thinking and I believe I even said "I don't even know who I am, what day it is or if I'm still wearing the clothes from yesterday." I was spinning. I really did think "Where in the heck is this coming from? Why doesn't he step in and help a little more?" There was also a difference with the baby. He didn't really pay that much attention to the baby. I would almost have to make him hold him. I thought "Didn't we both want this baby?" And yes, we did.
About this time, MH's company was making some changes with a job site and MH needed to go out of town. I came down with a massive breast infection. I was so stinkin' sick. It felt like a bomb was dropped on me. I'm a tough gal, I hate being sick. I usually ignore it if I can, not this time. I was even dodging my Dr. He told me that if I got another breast infection he was going to hospitalize me. With all this in mind, MH was at the door getting ready to leave. I begged, pleaded with him to stay. I needed his help so bad. All I wanted to do was climb in bed and not have to take care of 4 kids. He went, I cried. I knew I needed a Dr. and my Mom. I broke down and called the Dr. and thank goodness, another Dr. was on call and gave me more Antibiotics. I was so sick I told my kids to please tell Grandma to hurry and come. I was sitting in front of the fire place when she came to the house, she took one look at me and said "You go get in bed or I'm taking you to the Hospital." It was a blessing from Heaven, MOM!
I know you are wondering, "Why the details?" Because this was NOT MH. The man I was married to would have called his boss and said "One more day, my wife is sick and I need to stay with my family." He would have put me to bed and taken care of the Dr. stuff, that is who I married. I was so hurt and surprised. Why? Why was this stupid job more important than me? He was practically running out the door.
He came home about a week later, I was better. I was anxious and happy he was coming home. I waited up. It was late, about 11 or 12 at night. He came into the house and it was as if a stranger walked in the front door. He was so unhappy. He presided to tell me everything I had done wrong in our marriage and that he didn't feel like we loved each other anymore. I'm thinking "You big stupid jerk, I almost died, I've just had a baby and where the hell is this coming from?" I couldn't understand why he was so mad at me, really. This fight was not my fault. I wanted to see him. I needed him and wanted love and wanted to love him. Who in the heck was this? (I promise I will fill in the blanks as the story unfolds.) Remember...."SIN MAKES PEOPLE STUPID!" So the Story goes.......

Sparks Fly High, Love Blooms

It's funny what brings two people together, Ours was our Parents. My husband and I were acquainted before we "met" but his Mother and my Father are the one's that encouraged our courtship. I had graduate from High School and was living away from home at the time, dating another guy. My soon-to-be husband had just finished serving a Mission for our Church.
A few weeks before MH (MY HUSBAND) came home, I attended my Families Church Ward along with my then boyfriend. I introduced him to People in the Ward and also to my Bishop. MH's Mother was also in the same Ward and saw me introduce the "Then-boyfriend". Her impression was that I was introducing my Fiance. Well in a way he was. He had asked me to marry him and I said yes, "just don't tell anyone". I sounded excited, didn't I? I knew I wouldn't marry him but the idea was kind of fun to try on. I never had anyone want to marry me, it felt cool.
My future Mother-in-law's wheels started turning and she later approached my Parent's and wanted to know the details. My Dad did not like the current boyfriend at all so he was welcomed to a new suitor waiting in the side lines. When My Future Mother-in-law suggested that her Son meet his daughter he said "Let's go for it!"
After that Sunday I drove back to my home with the Boyfriend in tow. Our relationship was coming to a close. I just didn't feel the same about him and needed to let go and move on. He was a nice guy but I couldn't see living with him for the rest of my life let alone, ETERNITY! It was sad because he had also become my close friend so the transition was hard. I knew I needed to make some changes and decided the best way was to go back home for the summer.
While I was sorting out my current situation, MH was coming home. I didn't know this, or at the time really cared. It was his Homecoming and time for him to report on his successful Mission. My Mother was in attendance at church alone that day. I don't know why she was alone, I have 3 younger siblings. They must have slept in and Dad was working. Anyways, she said she felt such a strong impression for this Young Missionary. She was overwhelmed with love and admiration for him. She later told me she wanted to tell someone what a great young man he had become but nobody was there to comment to during the church service, they were probably home in bed! My Mother has since past away, but MH and she had such a loving relationship. She really loved him as her own Son. I will share more about their love at a later time.
May came along and in our Church, that is when we have a Father and Son camp out. I guess it's a great Male Bonding time, since I've never been to one considering I'm Female. My Dad finally saw M(FUTURE)H and greeted him. He was also impressed and bells went off. He knew he needed to get his Daughter to "meet again" with this Young Man.
Well, I packed up my belongings and headed for home. I remember feeling sad about my break-up and the loneliness that came. I was writing in my Journal one night, about my sorrows and had this overwhelming sense that my life was about to change. It was an exciting feeling. I quit feeling sorry for myself and became excited. I wrote in my journal, "I don't know what I am feeling right now. I feel that something is around the corner. It feels like something is about to happen in my life. I don't know what but it is an exciting feeling I can't even describe. I can't wait!"
A couple of days later I over hear my Dad mention MH's name and if he had called me yet. I went into an angry fit. I told my Mom that I didn't appreciate my Dad picking my dates and that it was embarrassing that he was trying to push me off on someone. I was ticked! My Mom tried to sooth it over. She suggest we go for a coke at the store (Remember, Small Town) and guess who was there in his Brown Chevy Pick-up, Cowboy boots (I hated Cowboys, no I loathed them) Cowboy Hat, Wranglers, Clean face, Sure Walk, Glowing Character but MFH! I didn't want to make it obvious that I was looking so I kind of ducked my head all the while my Mom was saying "Look over at him, Look at him! Isn't he good looking. Look, LOOK! You have to see how cute he is!!" I said "Mom, it sounds like you want to go out with him, why don't YOU ask him out and leave me out of this!" But the whole time I was acting reserved my heart was beating out of my chest. I thought he was the Cutest thing I had seen in my life. I was really excited to see him, all the time trying to act cool about the whole thing.
We made it home and then my head started to swim, "I do want him to call, I wonder if he saw me, I wonder if he'll call, will he call? Maybe he won't call, oh dang, he's not going to call!! The Phone rang and my older Sister answered it and said "A guys on the phone for you" I thought "Naw, it can't be him so soon." It was him! I tried to play it cool, "Hi, Oh hi. How are you? My Mom said you were home. How was your Mission? Oh, it was the best time of your life, wow sounds neat! ("NEAT" It was the 80's) Oh, your Mom told you I was home too and that you should take me to get a Coke? Sounds fun, yeah, I would like to. (His Mom? Great, My Dad and His Mom are pushing me on him!) Friday sounds great. (It was Wednesday.) See you on Friday, Bye." I get off the phone and run to my Sister to get her impression on how I did. "Did I sound to eager? Did I sound alright? Do you think I sounded dumb? What do you think he thinks?" She was trying to sound calming and pretty much told me to get over myself, I was fine.
I decided to go help my Dad work in the garden in the back yard. I'm running the Rota-tiller and all grubby and dirty. I look up and see a Brown, Chevy, Lifted Pick-up. Okay, I say to my self, "NO WAY, can he see me like this!!" But yes he sees his future Bride in all her glory and splendor, working in the Garden. He later told me that that is why he fell in love with me, because I knew how to work like a farm girl. What every girl loves to hear! I didn't know what to do so I just let him talk to my Dad while I finished up my row. I walked over to say Hi and he asked if I wanted to go get "That Coke" I said "Sure, just let me go get cleaned up." I'm thinking "What guy asks a girl out for a date and then shows up two days early? An EAGER guy! HE LIKES ME! WOW!" My heart never stopped beating. The minute I climbed into that Brown, Chevy, Lifted Pick-up that Very day, I never spent a day with out him. He was my "Soul Mate" and I was his. We were Married 9 months later and I knew I couldn't live with out him! So the Story goes......

Our Childhood and Upbringing in LDS homes.

I was raised in your typical LDS home. We were taught the faith of living Close to a Father in Heaven and his Son, Jesus Christ, that ascended to Earth to Die for our Sins. That was the fundamental teachings of my home. My Father was a Strong influence in our home as far as the LDS Church was concerned. We were brought up knowing who we were and what our purpose was on this Earth. I knew that I lived in Heaven and had a Father and Mother that knew me before I came to Earth. I was taught that this time on Earth was a time to prove our selves. That we must be obedient to commandment that our Savior taught through his ministry. I know that there will be a time after this life, that we will be face to face with our Savior and have to account for the lives we have lived and how we have over come our challenges. This is my core belief.
I had a Mother that showed by her example, of how to forgive and love. She was one that believed the best in people (She was hoping OJ Simpson was not guilty) She believed that people were fundamentally good inside and this is what she taught her children.
We didn't have the perfect family. We had many challenges and struggles. We were the family that would try to do what was asked, Home Evening, Scripture Study but fell short often but I cannot remember a time we did not go with out Family Prayer. That was done every evening and I knew my parents loved me through their prayers. They would talk to our Father in Heaven about concerns they would have for us. We knew we were loved.
I had many good influences through out my life. Many great examples of people striving to live Christ Centered lives. So you see, I was taught the "Learning's of My Fathers."
My Husband came from the same environment. He had a very faith based family. We grew up in the same small town. We both knew each other's families all though we didn't know each other that well. We knew about each other and that was all. His family was the "perfect family" as far as I was concerned. I couldn't even fathom that they had struggles like other families. His dad was a Bishop of our Ward we lived in, and I idolized his Mother. She reminded me of Laura Petrie from the Dick Van Dike show. She was the sweetest loving Mother, just perfected. We came from a small town, it was a great up-bringing for both of us. So we are your typical Primary going, MIA attending, My husband Served an Honorable Mission, Mormon kids. So the Story Goes....

Why I am Sharing My Story of Hurt from Infidelity and Pornography Addiction

I am not doing this to degrade or belittle my Husband and his mistakes. The reason I am doing this is because when I found My husband was living a different life style, that I never imagined, I was devastated and didn't know where to turn when it all came out. My world was forever changed and I could never go back to what I or it once was. I thought I was alone and wanted to talk to someone who had been in my shoes. It changed my family dynamics and I needed to know what to do to survive this and try to rebuild a horribly shattered Marriage and Family. Most of you will know me simply because of the details, and that is fine, but I would like this to go beyond who knows and maybe help someone else through the moments and the devastation. I am remaining some what anonymous simply out of respect for my family, not just my immediate but also extended. I would love to hear from anyone that needs to remain anonymous and seeking out how I could survive the initial devastation and what direction I went to find help. If you would like to share your story with others, you may email me at www.hope.love.faith.always@gmail.com I can post it and keep it completely safe with out others knowing details. I want others to know that there is always hope!! As an LDS Person, it is hard to live with such shame and devastation but it happens. We tend to put much outside expectations as the most important view of ourselves. We live in an imperfect world with many temptations that we must resist. My views are based on what I know being raised as a Mormon and how that has shown me that there is always light with the love of our Savior and Father in Heaven. These 2 Heavenly beings are the reason I have been able to live and go forward. The greatest help is the sweet comfort I felt through the Holy Ghost. The gospel of Jesus Christ is the teachings that I clung to every moment of every hour of every day. Please feel free to share my story with those you might know that are in this fight for Home, Family and Marriage. I have not had any training in how to council others, other then going through this trial myself and the many soul searching aspects. I have had many hours of personal and marital counseling so I suggest this as a first step to finding help besides seeking the council of your loving Bishop or Clergy.
I want you to know that it is possible to move forward as you read my story and where I found my strength to endure. We have been told that we must forgive and endure to the end, how do we do that? I think the first thing is knowing you are not alone and that it is possible to overcome. I pray that as you will see my story unfold you will be non-judgemental and realize that we are all of Heavenly Father's Children and we are sent here on Earth to be tried and tested. We all have many test. I believe that we have these test to give us strength and to prove we can become more Christ like. We all have lived different lives that has helped define who we are and how we reacted. We have to sometimes analysis the different we have because of this. It is possible, there is HOPE. We have the plan to help us get through the darkest hours. Here is my story.......