Will it ever end?

Time seemed to stretch like pulling taffy. Hard, hot and tuff. Days seemed to stretch forever. Life would never be as it was.
It had been over a month of pain and confusion. Ben and I needed to get away together and have sometime to work through things. My mother offered to babysit while we got away. We went to Lake Mead. Ben needed to meet with a man "So he Said". We had a nice time. We went out on the Lake, just us. The Lake was empty, not a soul on a boat or anywhere. It was so nice. We swam and ate and laughed. I was going to get over this and move on. I had hope.
We went home and tried to pick-up life somehow.
One night I got a phone call from Ben's dad. He asked me to read an article in a church magazine about "Airing dirty laundry." I thought "He can't be referring this to me, can he?" I thought I would read it. I took the magazine to the tub and started reading it. He DID refer it to me. It told how we should keep things to ourselves etc. It was a good article but it was just plan cruel that he directed it to me. He was always so worried that his son wouldn't get a fair shake. That I was to hard on him. So bizarre how his son could do no wrong in his eyes. I'm sure he thought that his affair was my fault some how. He told me shortly after I had found out about Ben, that I MUST forgive him. He quoted the scripture about we must forgive or we are the ones condemned. I thought "How dare you tell me what I should do. That is my choice not something you demand out of me or guilt me into. You can not take my free agency away from me just because you want me to save your son." I could not believe my ears. He was able to tell me things but he never once said anything to Ben, NOT ONCE! He would bring articles and other things for ME to read, not his son. I guess in his eyes, I was the one that needed the work done. Humm Funny....
When we went to the Stake Pres. He told me that Ben was now at my mercy. I told this to his dad and he did not like that one bit! Well I guess he thought It must be me?? Well, after I read the article it was just to much for me. I was wounded and bleeding with a gaping hole and someone threw salt and rubbed it in the wound. NOT GOOD! I reached for the phone and called my mom. She couldn't even understand me. She said "What? You have got to be kidding me!!" You talk about a mama bear. This was all she could stand. My parents where so good to Ben, they never told him what a sorry guy he was or anything. They didn't because they didn't want to hurt me. They were walking on egg shells. This was all my mom could take. She called Ben's dad on the phone and told him "You cannot believe what my little girl is going through. She has some very enormous problems on her shoulders and you tell her something she doesn't need to hear! You can't be serious can you? You're more worried about his reputation than about her wounded heart?" She went on to tell him a few more things. She called me back crying for me. She was so sad that someone close could do more damage to my spirit. I was so surprise by Ben's reaction. I told him what had happened and he was furious. His dad called shortly after I got off the phone. Ben answered and gave his dad an ear full. He said "Dad wants to talk to you." I said "No way, I am not ready to hear a thing he says!" His dad wouldn't get off the phone until I talked to him. I listen to his apology but it was too painful, I couldn't absorb it. It was going to take time to let that one go. At this time in life, his dad has been very good to me. I know he has felt enormous guilt and sorrow for doing that to me. He has been there for us through this long battle. He would be there for me also but it still is very hard for him to see Ben's short comings and sinful ways. I guess that's what every son needs from a dad, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

I had a good friend that lived down the street. We would meet up everyday to walk. She was a life saver. I was able to vent and work things out. Aren't girl friends wonderful? They sure help with the therapy bills, I'll tell you. I kept telling her that I still felt uneasy, that I felt like the other shoe was going to drop. She would ask why I felt that way, I said "I just can't put my finger on it but it is not a good feeling." I was scared for some reason. I just couldn't shake this uneasiness.

It was September and our oldest sons 15Th birthday. Ben decided to take him and our little boy on a hunting trip with his friend. I could have sometime away from him for a little while. I thought it would be good. The night he left I put my other two kids to bed and thought "Awww, alone at last." I was going to sit down and watch T.V. and enjoy myself. When you have a toddler that's all you can think about. Something started deep inside. I started to get prickly feelings running up my spine and butterflies in my stomach. It didn't feel good. It was a cold, scary feeling. I thought to myself "I have been through so much I'm just unstable right now." I couldn't understand. It was as if I was being guided. "Go look on his shelf" came into my mind. I did, he had information about his cell phone. I thought maybe I could check his calls. I couldn't figure out how. Another feeling "Go out and look in his work truck." I went outside, it was locked up tight. It was cold, dark and late and I was tired. I didn't want to do anything about this feeling so I went into the house and just let it go. I soon went to bed with no other feelings. I woke up the next morning and the feelings hit me again. "You have got to get in that truck." "Okay, okay" I thought. I walked out first thing and looked. I stood there and thought how am I going to get in there without breaking a window? I remember Ben's shelf, maybe his keys where there. I went in and gathered all the keys I could find. Not one worked. So I was just going to give up and forget it. "Go get a fork." I hear in my mind. What? A fork? What's a fork going to do? I go get a fork. "Bend it." Comes the voice in my mind. Okay, I bend the fork. I look at the wing window and it fit in there and pushed the button so the little window opens. I reach in and open the door. I'm in the truck. "Start looking." It tells me. I start looking. My heart is pounding so hard. I knew I was going to find something and it wasn't going to be good. I reached into the pocket under the drivers legs and find a note pad with girl's names and phone numbers on it. My head went into a spin. I went back into the house frantic. Ben and the boys were suppose to be home later that day. I could not wait! I called Ben on his cell phone. He answers but the reception was poor. I could just hear little bits of his voice and I'm sure that's all he could hear from mine. He finally called me back and I said "Who's Melanie?" He said "Who?" I said "MELANIE!" The lies started...."I think that's a girl I had to call from work." "So then who is Cindy?" I asked. He said "I don't know what your talking about." I read off a couple of other names and he just went blank. No answer. He said "I'll talk to you when I get home." I'm sure that was the longest drive home and he was trying to come up with a cover-up plan. He knew his life was imploding on him this very minute. He walked through the door and I showed him the list. He said that he just talked to them, they were girl's numbers he found on the Internet and he was going to call but just talked to a couple of them. "Righhhhtttt" I thought. While I was out looking in the pick-up earlier, I kept getting the feeling I needed to get into his tool box. I couldn't because he had all the keys. That's the first thing I said "Give me the keys to your tool box." He walked out there with me and I opened it. The look on his face is one I will never forget. It was a sick, sick look. It still haunts me when I think of it. I opened up the box and started to rummage through. I found old cans of Copenhagen, "who cares about that now" I thought. Then I see his leather brief case. I'm sure he was going bizzerk at this point. I open it and find a pair of thong underwear and condoms. I just froze. I just froooozzze! Things slowed way down. My eyes could not believe what I had in my hands. Well, I can tell you, they weren't mine! He started in with the lies. I can't believe he thought he had a chance in hell to get out of this one but boy did he try. First lie, "They're Michelle's." (Remember the fat girl?) I said "Ben these are a size 6, Michelle is like a size gazillion!" I told him. Next lie......"They are that girl Melanie's, she sent them in the mail because she wanted to hook up with me." I asked him "Well did you give her any idea that that would happen?" He said "I was just leading her on." I just could not get a straight answer from him. It was all garbled and he was confusing himself. I couldn't stand it any longer. I called my Mom and his Dad. His dad, sister and my mom came in a flash. It was like calling an ambulance. It felt like that big of an emergency. I showed my mom the underwear and she knew what was going to happen. I'll never forget her face either. It looked grave. She said "Meg, I'm going to take the kids, prepare yourself and be strong. You can make it but I think you are going to have to face some tuff things Ben is going to have to tell you." I melted. She said "Dad and I are here for you, you can make it through this. Be strong!" She gathered up my kids. The kids knew by our faces that mom and dad might not be able to keep their family together, this was going to be a hard one to get through. I don't know how they felt at the time. They didn't know what was going on but sensed some problems. My poor little children didn't deserve this. All because of one persons selfishness, so many were going to suffer. He thought all of his iniquities would be hidden in the dark. They were all coming into the light for all to see. How stupid he must have felt. What a shame.
We sat in our living room; Ben, his dad, sister and me. "So Ben, please just tell me the truth and get it over with." I pleaded. I just got a blank stare. "What is this, and what does all of this mean?" I asked.....Nothing came out of his mouth. "Are you going to tell me what is going on?" I said "I need to know." He still stuck to his story. Finally he got up and walked outside. His dad turned to me and asked "Meg. Do you feel that there is more?" I sat for a minute and contemplated on what he just asked me. Could there be more? Just as I asked myself that question it was as if someone stuck my finger in a light socket. I just bolted out "YES, YES there is more!" His dad said "Well then I will go talk to him." His sister and I just sat in the house dumb founded. She kept saying "I just can't believe this, is this for real." He was her older brother. She loved and respected him. His dad came into the house with Ben behind him. He said to Ben's sister "We better go home, there are somethings they need to talk about." I couldn't be alone. I begged them to stay and we would go outside. I asked his dad "Is it pretty bad?" He said "I don't know what it is but he says that it is." I was so frightened to hear the truth. It had been so hard to get the truth out of Ben and here it was. I wasn't sure I could handle it. I turned to prayer in my head. "Heavenly Father, help me be strong, please be here with me, don't leave me alone. Help me, help me." Such a pleading cry. Ben walked out and sat on our kids swings. He looked at the ground. He said "You are going to hate me and leave me. I have been so bad." "What is it?" I asked. "Just tell me." He said "I have been with other women for along time." "How long and how many?" He said "I don't know." I asked him "What do you mean you don't know? You have to know, tell me for heaven sake!" "Years" he said...."Like how long?" I asked him. He said more than 5 years. "What?" I thought "How could I have not seen this? How could I have not even had an incling? Was I that stupid?" I realize now after many years, when a person wants to hide something from the closest person to him, his wife, he almost works at it as if it's a job. It becomes something he has to manage, protect and cover-up. It becomes his top priority. It sure was for Ben. He was the last person anyone would suspect as being a womanizer. He wasn't even that good looking. It was so surprising. I asked how he met all these women. "INTERNET CHAT ROOMS" What? How? Where? When? The answer was at work. He had the Internet out at work for a few years. It started out Innocent. He had a friend that showed him how on line chat worked. He said that it was fun finding out what people did for a living and about where they lived. He said that it led to the dark side pretty quick. He said that women were so willing to talk filthy and dirty and nothing was off limits. I found out he had a web camera someone had sent him and all the disgust that comes with that. His dad and sister were still sitting in our house. I walked back in and told them what was just told to me. No one said a word. Shock, total Shock! I was glad that they were there. For one reason, it kept me from going completely crazy and losing physical control. I was very put together still. I kept it together, which I am proud of myself. I would lose it later, like when it all sunk in. That's when kitchen chairs went flying, things were broken, holes where punched in the wall. Yes...I did lose it big time! Oh and the little trip we went on to get away, that was just a ruse to meet another women. Yes, sick....he took me on a made-up trip just so he could meet someone he was chatting on line with. He was not a normal person, that's for sure.
I found out that there was a world way beyond my comprehension. That it was an addiction and a habit that would take it's tole on our lives. It was so much bigger than I even imagined.

As time went on, I was in a world that was so foreign. I was so astonished and bewildered. It was different than before, I now knew I had to survive this for my children. I saw them as the biggest victims and I had to make it for them. This was their father, their DNA. I was really hurt but something changed in me. I was a different person. I wasn't the person I knew here on earth, I saw the person I was before I came here, if that makes any sense. I knew a change had come over me and I knew I was to remain strong.
My relationship with my Heavenly Father and also the Savior changed. It seems like prayers became a life line. I received more inspiration than I ever did in my life. I received answer to sole searching prayers. I knew that feeling of the Holy Ghost helping to comfort and guide you. I was some what peaceful. I looked deep in my heart. I wanted to forgive but I wasn't sure how. It was something that was all my own this time. It wasn't because someone told me to or because I knew that was expected of me. It was different. It was because the Savior knew I needed to so that I could move forward and progress. I needed to forgive so that I wouldn't be bitter and if I was a bitter person, I wouldn't be able to feel the Savior. So it was a full circle concept I had to learn. The real purpose of forgiveness. Remember I said Books became my salvation. I would literally go into the LDS book store and say "Heavenly Father, What book should I get?" I would get the direction of where I needed to go spiritually in my journey. I would always find the book that was best fitting for the moment. The next book I picked up was "Forgiveness. The healing gift we give ourselves" by Cheryl Carson. It is an amazing book and I highly recommend it for anyone struggling to forgive someone in their lives. It was the balm my soul needed. It first taught me that I needed to forgive so my soul wouldn't be cankered. Have you ever met a person that holds every grudge they could ever think of? I DID NOT WANT TO BE THAT PERSON! They are hateful and plus just a bore to be around. I needed the Saviors help and if I was going to have a hateful personality, I knew it would push him away. Now there is a BIG difference in forgiving and forgetting. I still to this day cannot forget all the atrocities that happened to me, I never will, but with forgiveness the pain doesn't sting as much. I really did turn to the scriptures. I remember coming across the people that were held captive in the Chapter of Alma, in the Book of Mormon. The Savior told them that if they lived righteous he would make their burdens light. It hit me deep, it was a blessing that would wash over me at dark times. "How can my burdens become lighter?" I thought but soon realized that through the gift of the Holy Ghost, you can feel peace amidst the storm. Many storms raged but peace came. My testimony of the Atonement grew. That was the next few books I read. Many on the Atonement. It was amazing and still is to me. Our Saviors love. I remember something Cleone Scousen said about the Savior making a conscious choice to give up his life and what would have happened to us if he didn't. I was so overcome I cried. My thankfulness to him overwhelmed me to that point I could not stop the tears. It was not an easy road to be on but I was not alone. I was starting a marathon, never to be won. I guess that is how we learn "Endurance" We must endure to the end. I don't think of having to just endure through the pain, I don't think our Father in Heaven would want us to just "white knuckle" life. I think sometimes it means just to endure enough until the sun will shine on you again. I know this to be true. Sometimes I have to weather the thunder storm to feel the sunshine on my face again, then the warmth seems to be more welcomed and wanted. I know there will be another storm but I have also learned that the sun will shine too. And so my story goes.......