What helped me the most

I felt so alone with this new situation. I felt like I was the only one on Earth that knew how this felt. For one reason, it is such a shame and secret for those who have had this in their past, to share. What's a person going to do walk around and publish it? NO! I didn't know anyone close to my age that this had happened to and anyone in the older generation seemed to not mention that this was in their lives. Denial, you just don't talk about the skeletons. Why hide it? Everyone in town will know it sooner or later and if you think you can act as if nobody knows, think again. Gossip is there, always has always will be. The one thing I have learned is this; You tell your closest friend. They need someone to talk to so they tell a close confidante. That person doesn't have the same loyalty to the first person so they go to the next person telling them with the tag "Don't tell or I'll get in trouble." Then that person calls everyone they know and shares it in the Grocery store, it just human nature. You will know it's all over town when you are standing in the check out line hearing the whispers and when you turn around the people behind you are looking at the magazines. Yes that happened to me. I was with my kids, I could tell too people where talking about me. I thought maybe it was my insecurity coming out. I heard one say to the other "Look that's her, she's the wife....whisper, whisper." I turned around to look and saw their faces. I thought "Yes, I have ears, ladies you are 3 feet away from me." If my kids weren't there I would have said something shocking to them but....well I'm more mature than that....(I should have stuck my tongue out at them!!!) Same thing goes with family members. They tell a close friend and then it goes and goes. I know it's not malicious with them it's just the nature of the Beast.


Back to the story: I needed direction, I was drifting in this bleak ocean. I so wished someone could have helped me through this initial moment. That is one of the reasons I am doing this. I hope that if someone else ever goes through this that they might some how find my story as a compass, pointing them in a way they can go. I had no idea what emotions I would be going through. I didn't know how high the anger would rage or how low my sorrow would get. I needed help. BOOKS! I became a book magnet. I didn't know where to start so I had Ben stop at Barns and Noble to see if they had any books on the subject of affairs. Kind of funny that he would become my personal shopper. He was so willing to keep me from running out on him he was willing to do anything. He brought home my life saver to help me stay a float in this ocean. The first book was titled "After the Affair. Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful." by Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D. with Michael Spring. I highly recommend this book.


Finally some answers and instruction. It walked me through each stage of an affair. Stage one: Reacting to the Affair: "Is what I'm Feeling Normal?" This was my starting point. I can not express to you how much this was my life line. It said so many things that I was feeling. Such as "I thought I meant something to you. Now I realize I'm disposable." Yes! Yes! That's how I feel. What am I to you? It went on to say "Your ability to see yourself clearly right now is likely to be at an all-time low." I was not seeing things for what they really were. It was like looking at myself with "coke bottle" glasses.


Just to give you another idea of what a person goes through, in this chapter the Author nailed it down as to what I was going through it says "It's likely at this moment that you're undergoing physiological changes in both your nervous system and your cognitive functioning. As adrenaline and other stress-related hormones pour into your sympathetic nervous system. you experience a heightened state of arousal. You're constantly on the lookout for signs that your partner is straying again. Chronically anxious and agitated, you take longer to fall asleep, awaken frequently during the night, and are more sensitive to noise. You become exhausted from sleeping too little and thinking entirely too much. Your mind is punctured by vivid and upsetting memories, sensations, images. When you are asleep, the quality of your dreaming becomes more violent and alarming. When you are awake, you find yourself suddenly lost or otherwise disoriented. " This was my state. I had horrible dreams. I dreamed of someone killing my children, car wrecks, being attacked. It was awful. I felt like I had the flu. My body would shake when I heard the details. Ben finally couldn't take seeing me hear it. I would ask him something I needed to know. He would start to tell me and I would shake and shake. He finally said "I can't tell you anymore, look at what it's doing to you." I told him "I'm fine, I can take it." I would try to stop from shaking. It felt like when you are freezing or after you have a baby and your body goes into shock. It's so hard to stop from shaking. Finally I told myself to just control it or he won't tell you what you need to hear. I held my body still. I listen to alarming details and then could take it no longer. I went into my dark living room and let my body go into it's state of shock and shaking. I was so amazed that I had no control. My legs shook so much they were bouncing up and down. My teeth rattled. I just needed to let go. I felt like a stretched out rubber band when I was done. Completely exhausted. I slept good that night.


The book goes on to say " You're withdrawing into isolation, driven by a sense of pride, a fear of ridicule, and a perverse sense of responsibility for protecting the very person who deceived you." This statement is so true. All of a sudden, the man I loved was a monster but I didn't want everyone to think that. He was just "my monster." I still loved him. It was so hard figuring the love/hate issue.


I felt suicidal. It was a fight for my life. I felt darkness creep into my mind. I wanted Ben to see what he pushed me too. I tried to jump out of the moving car. He grabbed my arm. I was out of my mind. I thought of ways I could just slip out of this life. I was in a very bad place. I then realized that the worsted thing I could do to my poor children was to destroy their lives. They are what kept me living. I went on to read "You feel a loss of a Sense of Purpose-Even the Will to Live: "Sometimes when I'm driving home at night I think it would be easier to swerve off the road and end this agony."


Yes, this was me! It helped me make sense of my emotions. It went on to say "Remember, though, that your depression is like a thick morning fog, obscuring your vision, and that having suicidal thoughts is different from acting on them. What you want to kill is not yourself but your pain!" This jumped out and hit me in the face. That was it! Boy did it nail it on the head. I loved my children with all my heart, I loved my mom and dad and siblings. I had so much at stake. I knew this was beyond me. I got myself into counseling ASAP! I was so relieved to hand it to someone else. I was put on anti-depressants. The Councilor told me that I was in deep depression, Ya think? I told him that all I wanted to do was sleep my life away. I told him I don't like to be awake. He showed me that there were 3 levels of depression. Slight depression where you feel sad, Middle where you just don't feel the same about the things that use to bring enjoyment and then where you just can't get out of bed. I was in between the last two. I still fight this. I could sleep the day away and sometimes I do. I do give into it often but he counseled me on not getting to far into it. He said that what I was going through was normal but he just wanted to make sure I didn't go into the part of depression to where I couldn't function. It was a fine line. I am a true believer in anti-depressions. I think a lot of people give them a bum wrap. People think you must be crazy or have a personality problem if you need them. Or you must be a misfit. I tell you what, they saved me!! I could function, I wasn't falling apart. It helped me still be a Mom to my kids.
All I wanted was my life back, I soon would relize this just wasn't to be. I was going to go through some more fire before I could start the healing process. So my story goes.....